I Do Not Enjoy These Things

Lately, I have been bothered. By many things. I think that every once in a while, stuff just builds up and you need a release. Well, here’s mine. I’m going to spend the next however many minutes typing out the first things that pop into my mind that I thoroughly do not enjoy.

Ketchup and Mustard water. Everybody knows what I’m talking about. That nasty layer of water on the top of the bottle if you have not used the ketchup and/or mustard for a while. The first squirt comes out all nasty and completely ruins your hot dog or burger or toasted sandwich bread or whatever. I so very much dislike this that I shake the crap out of my bottles before I use them every time.

People who don’t cap ‘Shake Well’ drinks well. Without fail this happens to me every once in a while. I cannot blame myself when I am so quenched for a glass of OJ that I rush to shake and do not check the cap to see if it is securely fastened…the drink gets on the floor, on the counter top, in my eyes and hair but never in the cup. Yes, I shake it profusely because I read instructions incredibly well. When it says shake well, I shake well.

Bars of soap nearing their life expectancy. When bars of soap…hand soap, body soap, any bar of soap…nears their end, they become these stupid thin, tiny wafer-ish potato chips that never fail to break apart and fall all over the sink or shower. Then it forces you to somehow remedy the situation by sticking the two pieces together or make a tiny ball of soap somehow to finish using it.

Spiders. Bastards.

Ketchup caps in restaurants. Is it just me or does every single bottle of ketchup at a diner seems like they are dropped into a pile of ketchup? The ketchup is somehow solidified around the opening of the cap, the neck of the bottle and super disgusting looking.

Arm flab. I don’t enjoy seeing this on girls. They’ll be waving hi to me and all I can focus on is the little punching bag swaying underneath their armpit.

Mirror crud. Some things belong on a bathroom mirror…like your reflection. Other things such as the lovely collection of toothpaste, water spots, finger prints, zip poppings…etc, do not.

Bright sunlight. Fact, I have chinky eyes. Fact, the sun is super bright sometimes. Fact, I need to squint a lot sometimes when these two things combine and it hurts my forehead from squinting so much as I walk around. It also makes me look like I’m angry while I’m talking around in the daytime.

Double Poops. When you finish a satisfying log session and put your pants back on, wash your hands and as you’re about to walk out the door you realize that you need to go again.

Pee on the toilet seat. Dude seriously grown men have this problem… it’s unreal. I hate when I see this… it’s like they’re too scared of other men getting a glimpse of junior so they need to relieve themselves in the safe compounds of a stall and celebrate by splashing everywhere. If girls do this.. I don’t know… good luck finding a guy who will love you.

Spiders. F spiders.

Horribly stapled papers. When I receive a stapled packet of pages from someone and the pages are all in a funk and not aligned properly… I need to re-staple it. You wouldn’t kiss someone with horribly misaligned teeth, so why should you accept horribly stapled papers?

Wedgies. I mean c’mon, they’re uncomfortable.

Damaged book bindings. When someone borrows a book from me and I can tell that they put the book face down to mark their page and it jacks up the binding and mushrooms my pages. Not cool dude.

Rubberneckers. I feel like shooting them with a BB gun that I never seem to have at the moment. Right on their neck too so they’d be like, friggin ouch! and then grab their neck in complete and utter confusion. Then as they figure it out, they’ll look my direction and see my big fat grin as I drive away quickly.

Holding your pee. I recently took a trip to Fresno, CA and left work just after lunch. I needed to pee from 10am but I did not want to hit the traffic going through the grape vine so I held it…figuring I’ll just stop at a gas station once I’m through. It also did not help my situation that it was raining the entire drive up either. Well, after sitting through LA traffic and going through the grape vine, I was going full steam at a wonderful 85mph. I can’t stop now, I’m making great time! So I kept driving against the will of my bladder. I finally succumbed to its demands at 5:00pm and peed and peed and peed. In fact I timed it. One hundred eighty nine seconds. I repeat, 189 seconds! I’m not proud of putting my body through such toil. Actually, I am. It was my personal best for pee duration. I’m glad you wanted to know.

Bitter Melon. Because it tastes like sh…

Unibrows. Yes, they are extremely comical. But I can’t tell if you’re confused, angry, worried or whatever emotions you’re trying to convey to me because your eyebrows are eyebrow is just really intense looking. All the time.

My skinny butt. Sometimes my legs fall asleep while I sit…in fact this happens all the time. On the john, in the car, at church…all because I have a skinny rear end. I need a bigger cushion. In fact, I would actually prefer something big enough that people would think I was sitting in a bean bag chair if I just sat down on the ground. Something I could rest my arms on next to me… luxurious.

Saggy jeans girls. Leave the saggy jeans to men please. I do not enjoy seeing girls who cannot fill out a pair of jeans. Okay, I’m not saying like I check out their ends when I judge them, I’m just saying that it looks goofy when I see a girl and the jeans are like saggy and they’re like a girl who’s wearing saggy jeans and the jeans are sagging too much…ya know? Agreed.

Spiders. You guys are the grossest things on earth. One day when I’m chilling with Jesus over a cup of iced tea, I’m going to bring this up because I really just don’t understand why they need to look so nasty. I’m serious.

Tickling wars. These never end well. Usually someone screams, “I can’t breathe!” and/or emotional anger gets involved.

Conversational Eye Wanderers. When you talk to me, I give you my full attention. When I talk to you, I expect the same in return. I don’t like it when people are looking around and replying, “yeah. totally” or “uh huh” or “oh I know dude” while they’re looking away. Maybe I should just walk away the next time someone does that to me.

One uppers. When someone’s telling a story and this guy never fails to have a story to top the one just told. Someone’s like, so this one time I was able to eat half of a large pizza all by myself, and then the one upper jumps in and first pretends as if he was listening by adding a, oh no way, or a, whoa, that’s so cool. But in reality, they’re just itching to say something like, well that’s nothing, one time I ate at entire large pizza by myself and tons of garlic bread and a two liter soda! And then I jump in with a, no wonder you’re such a fatty. Just kidding. But seriously, don’t do it.

Fake Talkers. Yes, I know that a large number of Southern Californians (not all) talk in a way that make them seem like they’re all surfers or super laid back or whatever. But that’s because we grew up here and all of our friends in turn grew up talking like that…it just comes naturally to say and use the words we’ve been using since we were kids. But when people try to manufacture their speech by adding tons of words like, dude, totally, epic, bro, gnarly, rad…etc. You just sound stupid.

Public toilets. When I am doing business in a public bathroom and there are like five stalls…and I take the one on the very end and then some guy comes in right after and takes the one right next to me. I’m just like, who the heck does this guy think he is?! Then the both of us have to try really hard to crap as quietly as we can. In fact, I feel like I have the responsibility look underneath and spy on his shoes and come to conclusions about how horrible of a person he is. Business shoes… he must think he’s better than me which makes him feel like he can break the ‘never take the stall next to a guy already taking a crap when there are three other open stalls’ rule…

Okay, that was quite a lot and that’s all that I can think of for now. Nice. That felt good. I don’t feel as bothered anymore. You can add your own if you like.

Until next time, Cheers!