Ten Ways To Kill A Spider
I have declared war on spiders…
…for the 23094820th time…
This past week, a ninja spider rappelled his way down from the ceiling just inches from my computer monitor at work. In my mind I was thinking, “Are you friggin kidding me!? How gross are yooou!!” but what actually came out of my mouth was, “aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!” I hate every single last one of them so very much! Then before I knew what I was doing, courage erupted within my inner-warrior and I sprang into action.
And I killed it.
Yes, you read that correctly. I killed it. I am not going to go into details of how I went about disposing of this demon bug. All I am going to say is that it took a lot of courage and anger…and paper towels. In my efforts to rid the world of spiders, I will share with you the best methods that I have discovered to get rid of these critters once and for all.
1. Vacuum Cleaner
This is very effective way to get rid of a
bastard spider. Although it takes a lot of effort, the results are clean and fool proof.
Step One: Make sure spider will not escape from location while you are grabbing the vacuum.
Step Two: Run and grab the vacuum.
Step Three: Plug vacuum in and prepare hose with long attachment.
Step Four: Suck its life away including any web residue
Step Five: Put vacuum in garage
Step Six: Ignore any questions such as, “who put the vacuum in the garage?”
2. The Lacrosse Stick
First you grab your lacrosse stick (if you have a D-pole then you are in better shape!). Then you use the stick to guide the spider out of your room, the window or whatever. Make sure you cover the stick with a disposable paper towel because of the diseases that spiders may carry. Like Parkinson’s or something…
2A. Lacrosse Stick With Sticky Tape
Get some packing tape or any kind of very adhesive tape and put it at the end of a lacrosse stick or long pole. Give the spider a taste of his own medicine by sticking his ass to the tape and then taking him outside. Gingerly shake off the ball of tape over the fence into your neighbors yard or cover the tape with spray paint and proceed to light it on fire.
3. Lighter and WD-40
I discovered fire at a very young age. And just to clarify…when I say discovered, I don’t mean like discovered discovered, but rather that I invented fire at a very young age. You’re welcome human kind. My fellow pyromaniac brother took my fire invention and applied it to the killing of spiders. Before we realized it, our old house had little black soot circles in many of the dark, shady corners outside. While I referred to them as circles of justice, my dad would refer to them as circles of child labor to clean and wash on Saturday mornings.
4. The Open Book
This method is highly effective in the situation of a spider rappelling down from the ceiling or is hanging from a strand of webbing.
Step One: Find a book that you will never use.
Step Two: Flip to a page that you will never read.
Step Three: Open the book underneath the spider and wait for him to descend into closing radius.
Step Four: Slam the book shut ending its life.
Step Five: Never open the book ever again. Ever.
5. Steaming Shower
If you somehow manage to get the spider into a bathtub, you’re in luck. This is probably the easiest and cleanest way to get rid of one of them without much effort. Using the lacrosse stick method or anything improvised from it, you corral the spider to his death via the bathtub. Once inside, turn the water to scalding hot and steam the bastard to his watery hell. If he tries to escape (and he will), just tilt the shower head accordingly to drown and burn his pitiful existence. Make sure to watch closely and make sure that his body does indeed flow down into the drain. Once down the drain, make sure the water runs another ten to fifteen minutes to make sure he will never ever crawl back out again. During this time, the hot water also serves to disinfect the tub from all the germs and nastiness that the spiders may carry on them.
6. Mother’s Love
Politely ask your mother to kill the spider in exchange for washing dishes, taking out the trash or helping her do yard work.
7. Cup And Post-It Note
I prefer a 42oz 7-Eleven cup for this method. The bigger the cup the better.
You wait until the spider is on a flat surface like a table or the floor, then you quickly cover it up. After you trap the scumbag, you leave a note on it…something like, “There is a spider under this cup!!!” I usually keep things simple and write, “WARNING: SPIDER!” This is to make sure that nobody accidentally comes along and kicks it over. If you trap the spider on a wall, proceed to tape the cup to the wall to secure it. You don’t want the spider to escape. Then proceed to leave a sticky note on the cup to end any confusion as to why there is a cup taped to the middle of the wall.
Notice that there is no gap between the cup and the wall…
8. Book And Paper Towel
This is the one method that I prefer to use when there is no one else around who can assist in my spider trouble. All you need is a heavy hardcover and about three to five sheets of paper towels.
Step One: Place sheets of paper towels on the underside of heavy textbook.
Step Two: Wait for the little bastard to enter a clear space on floor.
Step Three: Drop the book on the little bastard.
Step Four: Leave it there.
This method is battle tested to perfection. In the previous v1.0 of this method, I would just straight drop the book on the spider without the paper towels. This paper towel upgrade is preferable for several reasons. First off, you protect the book from splatter and secondly you were courteous enough to place a paper towel down for the person who may come along and dispose of this situation.
9. The Peace Treaty
I actually applied this method a few weeks ago. There was a spider that was huge and intelligent and the second we made eye contact (1:4 ratio), I instantly knew that I could not apply any of the previous discussed methods to get rid of it. As I took a step towards it, it took off so fast across half of the wall.
Screeeew thiissss…. It was a nice sunny day, and I was not about to put my mental health and physical well-being on the line on behalf of this stupid creature.
So I did the next best thing. I opened the window and turned and walked out of my room and stayed out for the entire day. By the time I got back to my room ten hours later, the spider was gone. Hopefully out of the window.
10. The Younger Sibling
In my case, a younger sister. This method is what I call the long term investment and takes great patience and discipline. The following example is strictly hypothetical and in no way, shape or form a real story. So let’s just say that the older brother one day sees a spider and tells the younger sister that he is going to teach her how to do something new, like a new game if you will. She may ask why and he will respond that it is because all adults do it and he loves her very much. He hand her a paper towel and tell her to kill the spider and say something like, “all you have to do is cover it, squish it and then just throw it away.” Then she may be like, “I don’t want to do this Johnny it’s scary,” but you can’t fall for that. Patience and discipline. Then I was like, “well, we’re just going to sit here until you do it. You really really need to learn this because everybody knows how to do this when they get older.” It’s tough. I know. Lying to my little five year old sister. But once you get through the tears, complaining and more tears, you will have a real life spider killing expert in your family who loves and respects you.
So there you have it. All of my secrets are revealed. I admit that not all of these methods are to kill the spider, but at least you will have peace of mind knowing that your spider situation is well taken care of.
Until next time, cheers.