Craigslist Horror Stories: Part 1

I recently purchased an item on craigslist. Here is my horror story.

I was looking to buy an ipod classis 160gb from this person. I was browsing through craigslist and finally found one in good condition and at a good price. The ad said something like this from what I remembered:

It is in great condition. I do not really use it anymore and I really need to sell it quick! Please email or give me a text. Thanks! Call or text 555-555-5555. Ask for Emmanuelle

I’m thinking that it’s a great deal. I can probably bargain it down a bit because they need to sell quick. What the heck, I’ll give it a shot. So I sent a text message to Emmanuelle to see if she still had it. She did. I asked if I could test it out before purchasing it and she agreed. I also am aware that some people’s definition of “great condition” vary from “perfect condition” to “eh.. it still works I guess,” so she text me a picture of it and indeed it was in great condition. From the picture text, I could see that Emmanuelle was watching a video of the Royal Wedding and I thought to myself, “wow, girls and the wedding… get over it already.”

Whatever. This was great. Now we just needed to figure out a price and schedule a time to pick it up.

That’s when I made my first mistake.

I must admit, a name like Emmanuelle conjures up vivid imagery of hotness. Think… I duno… Emmanuelle Chriqui:

And this is when I may have strayed off the path of righteousness…I figured what the heck and decided to utilize my skills and get Emmanuelle to lower the price by means of ridiculous flirting. And it worked. A series of texts went back and forth and while I will not reveal my tactics and smooth texting skills, I got her to lower the price quite a bit. Great success! I was very proud of my accomplishment. A skill that I thought was long lost within me still rages on in my soul: schmoozing ladies.

We now needed to schedule a time to meet up and where. I told her that I could meet up after work and would text her then.

JUMP TO SCENE AFTER WORK

Right before I left work, I sent another message to Emmanuelle.

JS: Okay, leaving work see you soon
Emmanuelle: Okay ;-P

I was thinking to meet up at a coffee shop or a parking lot but she had different plans.

JS: I can meet you at that plaza in the parking lot next to Vons
E: I don’t drive here’s my address___.
JS: Oh okay
E: I’ll wait for you… 🙂

Hmm…

She doesn’t drive? …or she can’t drive? Is she a little girl?! Then I remembered that I spent a good portion of today flirting with this chick with the purpose of trying to get a good deal on this ipod. I’m in trouble. What the heck am I doing going to her house? What if she’s super hot? Awesome. What if she’s nasty? C’mon, let’s be positive here. Scanning through my phone again, I see that all the “heehee” and “haha” and “;-P” along with the royal wedding picture on the ipod should have thrown up red flags everywhere. Craaaap… this must be a little girl. Well, it’s too late to turn back now. I hope there is adult supervision when I show up.

So I arrive on her street and forgot the house number because I did not write it down. I decide to call the number and ask for Emmanuelle like it says in the ad and some dude picks up with music pumping in the background.

Some dude: Hello?
JS: Hi, I’m the one picking up the ipod from Emmanuelle. I’m on the street but don’t have the house address.
Some dude: The house address is ___
JS: Sorry could you repeat that? (music too loud)
Some dude: It’s ____
JS: Okay thanks. Is Emmanuelle there?
Some dude: This is Emmanuelle.
JS: Wait sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly over the loud music… is she there?
Emmanuelle: I’m sorry. I like to play the music really loud…
JS: yeah…
Emmanuelle: Yes, I’m Emmanuelle.
JS: ok.

*long long long pause*

JS: um…cool
Emmanuelle: See you soon!
JS: ok

I hang up.

@$%$*!#$@#$!!!!!!!!WTFFFF

Emmanuelle is a dude! Emmanuelle is not a girl! Emmanuelle is a man! This is not good.

What the heck have I done?!

So I’ve been flirting with a dude all day. I feel like I need to take a shower. This is gross. And now I’m nervous as heck. I park my car and walk up to the door. The music is firing inside. Are they having a party in there?…Okay Johnny, just get in and get out as fast as you can and keep everything business like. I knock on the door.

Emmanuelle opens the door. As a wave of trance/dance/rave music erupts in my ears, I see that Emmanuelle is a little filipino dude that looks super fruitalicious. His shirt is almost as illegal as the music that is violating my eardrums at the moment.

JS: Hi
Emmanuelle: Hi! are you filipino? (he is super excited)
JS: No
Emmanuelle: Oh, what are you?
JS: Not filipino

Oh gosh this is weird already. Get in and get out. As we walk further into his house, I realize that it’s quite large. It’s dark as heck too as he’s got all the curtains closed and blinds shut. We turn a few corners, go down a few halls and the music is getting louder and louder. I feel like I’m in a frigging club here…it’s super dark and the music is deafening! If I turn the corner and see tons of filipino dudes dancing in a circle, I’m bee-lining it straight to the front door. I’m not going to be able to handle all that visual stimuli at this moment when I’m still trying to process recover from the fact that I’ve been flirting all day with Emmanuelle, a grown-ass filipino man.

We turn the corner and thankfully there’s no dancing. He shows me the ipod and while I’m trying to concentrate on testing it out, Emmanuelle can’t stop asking me questions like, do you like dance music? or do you like to dance? or my friend is a DJ and we play this at the club all the time. Okay, the last one wasn’t a question but I had to try really hard not to laugh. Anyway, we do the exchange and I get out as fast as I can and get into my car.

I drive off feeling not so great…as if I just went on a blind date with a dude. Not totally stoked about what just went down but at least I got an ipod at a really good deal… right? sigh

Well, anyway…the lesson to learn from my horrible craigslist experience is do not flirt with strangers who could potentially be flamboyant filipino ravers.

I will now scroll back up to look at the picture of Emmanuelle Chriqui to make sure my story has a happy ending. Or click here or here or here or here.

Happy Friday.

Update:
Here’s the picture that Eman sent me of the iPod with Royal Wedding video…