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Worst Dream Ever

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It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream worth blogging about. Here is one that sucked.

It started off with me and a friend. I can’t remember who it was, but we were trying to get past some kind of high security checkpoint somewhere in India. Our goal was to get past the security guards and onto these crappy yellow buses and head to our destination somewhere. So we’re standing there in line and my buddy started getting anxious.

I remember him turning towards me as we neared the scanners…”We need to make a run for it.”

I replied, “We need to make a run for it!? There are too many guards! (like over 100 unnecessary guards with AK-47s) and… why do we need to make a run for it?”

He says, “Because we’re spies!”

Oh. Crap. The dream took a very bad turn. Why would spies in their infinite sneakiness step into a stupid security check point line with 100 unnecessary guards with guns? Shouldn’t we have snuck around somehow? And why would my buddy wait until we were almost in the front of line to tell me this little piece of important information? No matter, here we were and I needed to concoct a plan. Stat!

I turned coolly to my buddy and said, “Don’t worry, I got everything under control.” Ha! Yea right. Then I said, “just follow my lead…”

The guard called us next. We stood in front of a guy with a metal scanner and he told us to stand facing him with our legs slightly apart. I looked at my friend and gave him a wink.

“Where are you guys going?” asked the guard.

“Somewhere” I replied.

“Oh, somewhere. A funny guy. Check out this funny guy. Lift your arms now!”

“No problem officer. I’ll cooperate with anything you guys tell me. I’ll just…*SHOVE*…Run for it! Get to the bus!”

Yes, my genius plan was to push the guard and then make a run for the bus that was 50 feet away and hope that the 100 nearby guards with AK-47s were really crappy with their aiming. I know, it didn’t make any sense but not a lot of things make sense when you’re dreaming…or when you’ve never had any spy training before. So we took off running and all I remember seeing were the guards faces all looking surprised and shocked to the point where they didn’t even fire. I remember getting to the bus door and turning to my friend.

“We made it! Let’s get on the bus and get out of here!”

“No.”

“No!?”

“No. Someone needs to stay back and make sure they don’t follow us. You go, I’ll stay here and fight them off.”

What I wanted to say to him was, “no, I’m not leaving you behind!” or “they’re going to shoot you to death with bullets man. it’s going to hurt!” or something heroic. But instead I was like “oh ok. thanks! and good luck!” and I jumped onto the bus…which turned out to be a bus full of children on a field trip. I found a seat in the middle and waited quietly for the bus drive to drive off…really slowly. I remember thinking that I couldn’t believe that I didn’t get caught yet but I figured it was because my friend was doing such a good job fighting off the AK-47 bullets. At this point, I completely forgot about my friend and his well-being and the bus was now driving down the streets of some dusty city in India.

A few minutes into the bus ride, the bus driver called me to the front.

I asked him, “what is it?”

“We’re being followed.”

“What!?” I ran to the back of the bus and didn’t see a single car behind us…just a few toddlers on their plastic tricycles on the sidewalk. “There’s nobody following us… just a few babies on the street man.”

“Those toddlers are the ones following us! The government sent them to bring you back to the checkpoint!”

I panicked. Why would the Indian government send a bunch of toddlers to follow the school bus? Then the weirdest scariest thing happened. The side streets started flooding out thousands of little Indian babies on tricycles and they were closing in fast. The bus driver slammed on the accelerator and flew down the street but somehow the toddlers kept pace. I yelled at the bus driver to simply run them over but he replied with something along the lines like it was illegal to kill babies in India or something stupid. Whatever. I ran to the back of the bus and grabbed a defensive lacrosse stick which happened to be laying there and put all the windows down.

“You drive and I’ll take care of those babies.”

What happened next was bizarre and confusing and funny and disturbing. I would run to different open windows of the school bus and lean out with my lacrosse pole. I would then proceed to smacking the crap out of these babies faces, jabbing them off of their plastic tricycles or poking their tires and sending them into an aerial death flip a la Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:

On and on it went. I lost count of how many babies I sent flying into the air or how many pacifiers I knocked out. I remember asking myself why was I beating up on a bunch of babies? I mean…if you ask it like that, sure it sounds pretty bad. But if you ask why there were thousands of mercenary babies contracted by the government to kidnap me..?… Well my answer is simply that I was merely punishing them for having decided to live a life of espionage instead of going to preschool. Or at least that is how I justified my ridiculous behavior. Babies can’t fight back though… Well, they shouldn’t be following so closely then. This activity of baby smashing went on for about ten to fifteen minutes.

Then I woke up.

Gosh, what a horrible dream. I was disturbed by my actions towards Indian toddlers with my lacrosse stick…because I seriously took out hundreds and hundreds of them! But then I thought to myself…man, a few hundred is a pretty darn good number for only about fifteen minutes. Just saying.

And I guess the only real thing you can take away from this dream is not my baby brutality but that I really miss lacrosse.  Not anything else. Don’t read too deep into my dream.

Until the next dream. Cheers.

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Written by jonewantsm3

February 6, 2012 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

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