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Letters To My Mom

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This past month has been crazy…in terms of my relationship with my mother.

I have written a series of letters to address some of the issues that have presented themselves fairly recently.

LETTER #1: STRING

Dear Mom,

Please do not tie a piece of string to the knob of my bathroom door to keep it open. More specifically, please do not tuck the string behind my wetsuit so that I don’t see it. On multiple occasions when I have swung the door closed, it has swung back and hit me in the face. In fact, this happened just last night when I got home late from worship practice to shower and was not anticipating  that someone had booby trapped the door. That loud scream you heard was not because I wanted to shout for fun. I don’t ever shout or scream just for the heck of it. When you shouted over, “what happened!? Are you okay?” and I replied, “yeah it’s nothing.”…I lied.

I just wanted to let you know that normal people don’t ever do this in their homes, or anywhere as a matter of fact, with any doors or any pieces of strings. There is absolutely NO reason whatsoever to do this. And because this has happened on many random occasions… I have taken that horrible attachment and hidden it in my room where you will never find it.

Sincerely,
Boy On A String

LETTER #2: TALKING TO MORGAN

Dear Mom,

Morgan does not understand or respond to Mandarin or Taiwanese, she only speaks English…which is her native tongue. She also does not respond to, “AHH!!!” or “WAAA-CHOO!!!” or “SHIAM!” or “WHOOOOT! ” or any crazy sounds that are not part of any other language. Also, those words/screams/yelps/exclamations (?) are not welcome when my eardrums are right next to your incredible high pitch voice.

Thanks,
Johnny Earbleed

LETTER #3: NICKNAME

Dear Mother,

When I was really young and rambunctious, you gave me the nickname Xiao Qiang (pronounced: shee-ow chee-ahng) which directly translates into Little Strong One.

I would break things all the time, smash things with my head, run around the neighborhood and come home just in time for dinner shirtless and bloody, climb walls and fall on my head, make a homemade bomb that exploded in my hand which sent me to the ER to get stitches for my eye, almost drown myself, get into trouble with Rancho Santa Fe security guards for lighting entire streets on fire, accidentally destroy things with my face, face plant on the ground on multiple occasions but I would never cry when I got hurt. Never. I guess you could say that I was very deserving of the nickname Xiao Qiang.

…Until I went to Taiwan and found out that Xiao Qiang is also the nickname for cockroaches. Made famous by this movie clip:

Please stop calling me Xiao Qiang.

Thanks,
Johnny Cockroach

LETTER #4: LOTION

Dear Mother,

Body lotion and body wash are not the same thing so please do not refill my body wash with body lotion.

That was a very very odd and confusing shower…when I kept washing and rewashing myself because I thought there was something wrong with the soap. And when I got out and you asked why I took such a long shower…I should have replied with, “because you sabotaged my soap mother.”

Thanks,
30 Minute Shower Johnny

LETTER #5: COUSIN

Dearest Mother,

A long time ago when I was about twelve years old, I remember we ate dinner with Aunt #3 and her family in LA. The parents took one car and the kids took another and I remembered them allowing me to ride shotgun on the way to the restaurant which was a big deal because I was the youngest. On the drive over, I turned towards my oldest cousin who was driving and asked, “So Johnson, where are we going for dinner?” He then gave me such a weird look and said, “You know my name isn’t Johnson.” I was so very confused. I said, “what!? sure it is Johnson. Where are we going?”

Then he replied…

“My name isn’t Johnson. My name is Jonathan. You think it’s Johnson because your mom has been saying my name wrong this entire time. It’s not Johnson, it’s Jonathan!”

I then sat there quietly along with the rest of the guys in the backseat in the most awkward car ride of my life.

Thanks,
Embarrassed Johnny

Happy Friday everybody.

 

UPDATE: 1/16/2012

Dear Mom,

Morgan is a dog. She does not drink apple juice.

Thanks,
Very concerned Johnny

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Written by jonewantsm3

January 13, 2012 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

One Response

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  1. […] I’m going to ditch you so bad on the hike that you’re going to have to walk home Mom: Xiao Qiang don’t say things like that. (see link to previous post for nickname reference) Me: Whaaaaat […]


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