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Sometimes I Wish

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Sometimes I wish I was a girl.

And now that I have your attention… I must say that I was just kidding.


But seriously, I have noticed many positive qualities that women possess that many men lack. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to be a member of the far-superior gender but one cannot help but think that sometimes the grass is greener. It’s not like I think about this topic a lot… but enough to come up with a couple lists of the pros and cons of being a girl.

Reasons why I think it is advantageous to be a girl:

+ Neat and organized. Except for their closet… but I have realized that most girls have an innate ability to stay more tidy than your average guy. Any girls room, apartment, kitchen, living room, whatever…is far more organized and clean compared to any dude’s living arrangement.

+ Smell good. Girls smell good and that’s a fact. If they don’t smell good… might as well be a nun because you’re never getting married. Kidding.

+ Baking. I would make cookies for myself all the time. And most girls already know how to cook or bake anyway…and the ones that don’t are still single or unmarried for good reason.

+ Dresses look comfortable. I wish I could be free all the time if you know what I mean… I would surf naked if I could but I’d probably get arrested. And I am pretty sure dresses never cause wedgies.

+ Crying. If a man cries he’s a wimp. He can’t cry in movies. He can’t cry because he’ll get made fun of. That is why I don’t cry. Ever.

+ They don’t have any body parts they can’t control. Whenever the little guy gets too excited, the best negotiator in the world cannot talk him down.

+ Multi-tasking. I think girls are good at this. I remember seeing a woman in a movie once hold a baby while talking on the phone and cooking dinner all at the same time…which must be true. I think the only time I could ever do that is if I was dialing 911 because I dropped a baby into the stove and it started cooking. Gross! But then again I’d be multi-tasking…

+ Cry to get out of speeding tickets. This would have come in handy in the past

+ Women live longer apparently. By seven years on average or something? Unfair.

+ Free movies, dinners… I’d be a total freeloader. I’m not going to lie.

+ Hug lots of same gender friends without them thinking you’re gay. I could hug my same gender friends all the time and every time I see them and not worry about their opinions…

+ Hug lots of same gender friends without thinking yourself as gay. I could hug my same gender friends all the time and every time I see them and not worry about my own opinions…

+ Purses. I hate carrying my wallet in my pant pockets.

+ Sweaty girls at gyms aren’t nasty. Girls don’t sweat, they glisten. They still look somewhat decent when they work out. The last time I looked at myself in the mirror at the gym, I looked miserable… like I just ran for my life from a pack of wild dogs. Why? Because I was extremely sweaty and sometimes I have holes in my old workout shirts that’s why.

+ Short shorts. Again, freedom.

+ Boobs. Aside from the fact that I probably have bigger pecs than 99% of Asian girls have boobs anyway…um. I don’t remember why this is a good reason for being a girl except it’s about boobs.

+ Playing sports. When girls run around not knowing what they’re doing, it can be cute. When guys do that, they are useless.

+ Makeup. I guess sometimes when you’re lacking in the facial attractiveness department you can always cover yourself up with a mask…and by mask I mean makeup.

Those are some pretty good reasons in my opinion for being a girl. But let’s look at a few bad reasons for being a girl… or pretty much why I’m extremely glad to be a guy.

Reasons why I think being a girl is disadvantageous:

– I’d be Fugly. I would make one extremely ugly girl. Sure, this is a huge advantage for pretty girls but for me… this would clearly be a huge setback.

– Jobs. If I was fugly, then I’d probably have some sort of engineering job and work long hours and go home after work and watch reruns of Friends.

– Monthly cycle. If blood dribbled out of my garden area every month…I would not be able to handle life. In fact, I’d go around stabbing men and when they ask why I stabbed them I’d respond, “now you know what it feels like to bleed!” And they’d reply, “but this is completely different! That was assault!” And I’d reply, “it doesn’t matter! I’m PMS-ing!” I think that’s how that works.

– Child birth. F dat. Adoption would be the solution.

– Too many emotions. I have enough trouble dealing with one emotion at a time.

– Public Urination. I would be paranoid about taking a simple piss in public. Also, the following conversation would never ever take place:

Me: I have to pee badly, pull the car over.
Friend: There’s no bathroom at this exit.
Me: Just stop and I’ll find a place!
Friend: No we’re late!
Me: Do you have a gatorade bottle then?
Friend: Yeah, look for one under the seat.
Me: Sweet, got one.
Friend: You better not spill or I’ll kill you!
Me: Don’t worry, I’ve done this before.

– They don’t have any body parts they can’t control. This is also a big source of fun. Especially when your buddy stays over at your house and falls asleep on your living room floor and pitches a tent while everybody else is still finishing the movie. Or when your friend tells you that he needs to stay seated for a little longer and he’ll catch up with the group in a little while and then you’re like, “c’mon let’s go.” and he’s like, “no I need some time to uh…wait out a situation that’s going on right now.” Or when your friend wakes up with morning wood and doesn’t realize it yet. Fun.

– Sitting. If I wore a dress, I’d have to sit with my legs crossed. If I wore anything else and sat with my legs open, I’d be whorish.

– Public Bathrooms. These lines are impossibly long at restaurants, football games, concerts and I would pee myself waiting in line. Also because I’m usually the one who says, “I can hold it until after the next song!” or “I’ll go when they finish this drive!” And I don’t know about the public ladies room, but the male bathroom is that of a catastrophic bladder fail. The walls, floors and ceiling are wet. It’s like people went in there with the mission to wet down the place. It’s like a wet shaggy dog walked in there and shook the crap out of itself and soaked everything. Or like some dude chased a fly around the bathroom trying to shoot it down with his stream of urine. If female public bathrooms are anywhere near the nastiness of the men’s room… I’d never go to the public bathroom as a girl.

– Know nothing about cars. For example, the oil needs to be changed approximately every 5000 miles, not every time the engine starts making a weird sound.

– Spitting. I’ve seen girls spit. They can’t.

– Outfits/Accessories. I don’t understand the need for a purse vs a clutch. Or 94238123-4 pairs of shoes. Or the fact that their day is ruined if they see someone wearing the same outfit.

– Weaksauce. Some girls are so weak they can’t even punch their way out of a wet paper bag.

– Underwear only. This is my preferred natural state when walking around my abode. Obviously not as acceptable when you’re a female. And obviously not acceptable when you take the trash out to the street on trash day and the little kids next door stop and look at you and you wave at them because you don’t realize that you’re only wearing underwear. I’m not saying that’s ever happened to me before…I’m just saying that’s unacceptable. I’m also not saying that it’s not happened to me before either.


Being a guy is better.

As you can see, there are very many reasons for both but the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages. Especially the whole monthly cycle and child birth thing. One of those reasons along far outweighs any positive reason for being a female. I’m sorry.

List your reasons if you know any!


Written by jonewantsm3

October 13, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

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