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Meeting With HR Director

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*phone ringing*

Me: Hello, this is Johnny.
HR: Hi Johnny,  how are you?
Me: Great, how can I help you?
HR: My name is Jon. I am the director of human resources for your company for the entire West coast. Do you have time to chat for a little bit?
Me: Um… sure. What did I do?

<end dramatic intro>

Oh crap.

Earlier this week I had a phone conversation and meeting with the HR director in our company. Regarding what? Well, a report that was filed that I was driving recklessly and I had to schedule a meeting with Jon because he needed to remind me that driving a company car is a privilege given only to special individuals within the company.

Me: Um…sure. What did I do?
HR: There was a complaint called in regarding your driving a company car.
Me: Oh… I think I know what this is. Was this about a month ago regarding that speeding ticket I got on the way home from work? Because I can explain that…
HR: Uh, no…I don’t have any knowledge of that…
Me: Oh… Haahaa haa ha.. just kidding. That was like a joke… so nevermind.
HR: Yes, well anyway I was wondering if you could meet me tomorrow.
Me: Sure

Blah blah blah…crap!

Okay. Rule #1. Short answers dummy!

I can’t believe I was incriminating myself for another driving mishap! But it was okay because it seemed like he didn’t really care about the speeding ticket. It seemed that I cut someone off on the freeway and they called in to complain about my driving skills. Anyway, he called the next day and I went in to meet him and I asked if he had a copy of the report that was filed against me. I wanted to read over it first before I came to any conclusion or opened my mouth again. He agreed and when I started reading it, I noticed that things were super fishy…not only because I don’t ever remember ever cutting anybody off, but many of the facts in the report simply did not add up.

Facts according to the report:

1. This incident occurred in Carlsbad at 6:30-6:40am
2. The person who filed the report was driving under 80MPH and observed me driving at 90+ MPH for 5 miles
3. I was swerving between cars in crowded traffic and would drive right up behind a car and slam on the breaks and then cut off other drivers and accelerate away
4. I did this repeatedly for 5 miles
5. The driver of the vehicle had dark hair and sideburns

I read this over and started laughing. I looked up and the HR guy was not laughing and so I stopped. Then I gave the following responses.

Facts/response according to Johnny:

1. “This incident occurred in Carlsbad at 6:30-6:40am”
Well, I get in to work at 7am everyday. Considering where I work is 1 hour 15 minutes away from Carlsbad, this either means that the report is wrong and I was actually driving over 120mph to work that day or my car is like those redbull mini’s you see driving around and it developed wings and I flew in to work. So this first fact is not accurate but it would have been very awesome to fly in.

2. “The person who filed the report was driving under 80MPH and observed me driving at 90+ MPH for 5 miles”
Not only did I not drive this fast down a stretch were I know cops love to hang out, but this person must not be intelligent enough to know that the following math formula is true:

(5 miles) * (hr/79 miles) * (60 mins/hr) = 3.8 minutes for him to drive 5 miles

At my rate of 90+mph, I would be going at least 12 mph faster than them.

(3.8 min) * (12 miles/hr) * (hr/60 mins) = 0.76 miles

…converted to yards (0.76 miles) * (1760 yd/mile) = 1337.6 yards …at the very least according to this report

Yes, when my engineering eyeballs see numbers on a page…my fantastical engineering mind starts immediately crunching numbers. So you’re telling me that Mr Super Eyesight Man (or Woman) was able to spot me doing this at 13 football fields away? Let alone how can you see me doing this even if it was only two football fields lengths away?…especially if you say that it was crowded traffic…does not seem to add up. Oh wait, yes it does…if you’re a bad liar.

3. “I was swerving between cars in crowded traffic and would drive right up behind a car and slam on the breaks and then cut off other drivers and accelerate away”
I mean, if this were true… I should be a Nascar driver instead because I was able to shake and bake for 5 miles without wrecking my tiny company car. (HR did not appreciate this answer) I almost said, “well if this were true it actually speaks volumes on how good of a driver I really am!” But I decided to withhold this comment for obvious reasons.

4. “I did this repeatedly for 5 miles”
Thanks for being redudant. You mentioned this in point lie #2. Like I said, I should either be a Nascar driver or the person was lying. Or maybe they’re not lying and they really are Superman with super eyesight. In that case, he should be flying to work instead of driving because that would be way more rad. Then when he spotted me swerving in and out of traffic, he should have picked my car up and tossed my butt into the lagoon for the safety of others and for driving like a dummy so early in the morning. Then all the cars on the freeway would stop and people would get out of their cars and point and say, “wow, look, it’s Superman!” And then Superman would fly down really low and wave to the crowd and blurt out a useless fact like, “don’t drive like an Asian,” and then fly off. Racist.

5. “The driver of the vehicle had dark hair and sideburns”
Okay. This fact seems to be very accurate.

So after sitting down and reading the report, the HR Director looked at me and said, “Well, this report is also the first of it’s kind…your situation is slightly unique.” Unique? First of it’s kind? I asked him to explain why my case was unique…because it seems that everybody that I talked to who has a company car usually gets one or two complaints a year from an outside source…And it could come from a variety of sources ranging from a person who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, a competitor, an actual true report, false info…etc.

And then he told me why my situation was unique:

HR: The report was called in on a phone number that is not available to the public.
Me: What…does that mean?
HR: Well, I checked and this number is not available to the public. The phone number the person called in to file this report is only available to our company’s employees. Either this person can do special things with a computer to find that number or they knew someone at our company or it was filed by someone in our company.
Me: Oh. Wow.
HR: Yes, you know that internal hotline number on your company homepage?
Me: Yes
HR: That’s the number they called and only our company employees have access to it.
Me: Okay. Well this is very surprising to me.
HR: There’s only one logical conclusion…
Me: …what, that someone at our company called me in?
HR: Well, that brings me to my next question which is this…do you have any reason to believe that you may have enemies within the company?
Me: Wow. Okay. Um…No. Definitely not.
HR: Nobody?
Me: No. I have a pretty good relationship with everybody I work with. I can’t think of anybody who dislikes me.
HR: That’s good.
Me: … Yup.

Wow. What a twist in the story. I felt like I was in a movie… with a really horrible plot and probably a really low score on Rotten Tomatoes. Double agents and betrayed trust kind of movie…but way more stupid. What a great way to welcome me back from my vacation.

Then we talked about cool stuff for about an half an hour. And then he said we should grab a beer sometime.

At the end, he said that the highest guy in our company on the West coast would have to get a copy of this report because it was in fact filed through the internal hotline so it had to be treated as a company employee filing a complaint against another company employee. Fantastic. Then he said that nobody has every really used that hotline ever, and as bogus as this report was, the correct protocol was to give a copy to the important people above me. Whatever.

I nearly played the race card on this guy. I should have been like, “whoa… I feel that you’re making assumptions about my driving because I am Asian…” Then his eyes would have gotten really big and maybe he would have thrown the file out. Or maybe not. Or maybe I would have got into way more trouble…

Anyway, until my next run in with the HR department. Happy Friday.

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Written by jonewantsm3

September 15, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Posted in Rant

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