Archive for June 2011
Yes, it is full of spelling and grammatical errors but that does not disqualify it from being the best essay ever written.
Never ever mess with the Weapon of the Jesus. Ever.
I had so much fun at the mud run last year that I could not wait to run it this year. The team I had this year was really athletic and had we not started near the middle-end of the group, I feel that we could have placed in the top ten out of the three hundred mixed teams that signed up. Because this run was only a couple days after my birthday, the girls on the team decided to make birthday shirts for me as we ran the race. I had my fair share of birthday wishes from girls and old dudes alike.
Everybody on the team wore something similar. My shirt said “I. AM. JOHNNY.”
The set up for this year was different from last year. The parking situation, showers and bag check were all the same. The only thing that changed was registration and t-shirt pick up which was amazingly fast! They were so organized this year and pretty much had everything set up in a line. As you got off of the shuttle buses, you had to walk down a path and the booths were set up in the order of what you had to do: team waiver turn-in, pick up team bibs, pick up t-shirts, check in bags, get in racing line. Perfect! I couldn’t believe how fast and efficient everything was that morning. We got there slightly later which made us stand in the middle towards end of the crowd, but we made up for it because our team was rad. Literally. Our team name was Team Rad.
At the start of the race, the horn went off…and nobody moved. So many people! (And my friend J does not look super thrilled about getting muddy and ruining her white headband)
This part always reminds me of the old video game Oregon Trail.
You had no trouble floating the team across. And nobody died from dysentery.
Lots of costumes again this year
Lots of obstacles like knee-scratching tubes and stinky water…
Instant regret: I purposely dove headfirst into the mud for an awesome photo opportunity. Instead, I got a mouthful of turd smelling silt water and emerged as swamp thing.
Another obstacle was the mini-wall submerged in poop water. Me and Mr. Comb Over enjoyed watching Old Fat Dude in the background who is about 0.5 seconds away from feeling like an Oregon Trail deer…
Lots of discarded shoes. I hope they were donated.
1. Registration. So smooth and fast. They were on top of it this year.
2. Mud. Yes, there are times when it smells like you’re wading through someone’s leaked septic tank but the point of the race is to get dirty and have fun. A little tip regarding duct tape. Don’t do it. Mud and rocks are going to get into your shoes anyway. There’s nothing you can do about it. I saw tons of duct tape being discarded along the entire trail and also saw people who had them on their shoes but they were all torn up and hanging off their ankles. Friends don’t let friends use duct tape for mud runs.
1. Marines. Where did all of them go??? Last year they had Marines at every corner yelling at us and screaming funny things like, “get your money’s worth! Don’t walk! I can’t change this to the Camp Pendleton Mud Walk just because one person feels like walking!!” This year, I passed maybe two dozen along the entire trail…bummer. And I know they probably had better things to do like stuff related to protecting our country, but it made it way more fun when they’re out there belittling people.
2. Costumes. People were not creative at all. In fact, people are getting risque and straight up nasty. Too many girls sporting the, “I like to get dirty” theme, or “I’m a dirty girl” or “I’m a filthy fifty year old woman wearing a pink leotard with my other fifty year old dirt cougars waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting minor.” Please please please look in the mirror before you try on some of the costumes! Mr. Wrestling Tights definitely won the Vomit In My Mouth 2011 award.
Running behind this dude should be a punishment reserved only for the worst offenders.
3. Dumb girls. I was grabbing water before the race and a group of girls stopped by to grab some too. I couldn’t help but hear them talking to each other as they were standing literally 2 feet in front of me.
Girl 1: They’re dressed up for someone’s birthday.
Girl 2: I think it’s for some guy named Johnny…
Girl 1: Yeah, I guess they’re celebrating it today.
Girl 2: Well.. Happy Birthday Johnny! Wherever you are…whoever you are…
Then she turns to me:
Girl 2: Which one of them is Johnny?
Johnny sideburns: Um…I’m Johnny.
Girl 2: Oh.
Girl 1: I think he’s Johnny. His shirt says, “I. AM. JOHNNY.”
JS: I think so too.
Happy Friday. Until next time, Cheers.
Peyton Manning should host SNL every single week after he retires.
Tuesday was a tough day.
Earlier that day, I checked the Fill-A-Belly page on facebook to see what the dinner theme was going to be this week. Meatloaf. Mmm…delicious! As I finished work, I started driving home on my way to the dinner when something inside me just didn’t feel quite right. Should I go tonight? I’m pretty exhausted. Should I go pick up stuff that they need? Maybe someone will pick it up and I can just show up. Or I can go home. I’m pretty friggin tired today. But what if they need the stuff really badly? I haven’t been in a couple weeks, maybe I should stop by. Maybe I’ll pick up some food handling gloves and water and iced tea mix. I can pick it up next week, I”m just going to go home. Man I’m exhausted. Okay, I’ll just go home.
As I was maybe a quarter mile from the store, I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of… oh what the heck, I’ll just pick up the stuff and go tonight! I get off the freeway, pick up a case of water bottles, and a couple of items that I never pick up…some iced tea mix and a box of food handling gloves. Afterward, I drive to the park where we meet and something definitely seemed strange.
Well, I learned that a couple nights ago, one of the homies died during the night. General belief was that it was alcohol related but whatever the reason, it certainly had an impact on a lot of the people…both homies and volunteers. I did not talk to the guy too much while he was here, but I know that he was with the group from the beginning when it started up. Really sad news for everybody. I volunteered to pray for the food, and it was hard. So many things were racing through my mind. I wanted to make sure the homies knew that even though things like this happen to us, God is still a good God. I wanted to make sure that they knew that news like this hurts for us as well. I wanted to make sure that they knew if anything happens, there are a few volunteer/organizers that they can call for assistance and help. But whatever the issue, whatever the circumstances, I really hoped they knew that they have warm food and people who genuinely care and worry about their well-being here in this group.
Then later that night, I was catching up with Paul, one of the homies I haven’t seen in a while and Morgan approaches me regarding another homie who needed a motel room for the night. I knew David but never really talked to him too much in the past. This guy was scheduled to have surgery to remove some tumors last week but the procedure was rescheduled when he showed up for the surgery. When I talked to him, I could tell that he was pretty frightened about the whole situation, especially since he prepared himself for it last week and then they made last second changes. Tonight, he was in a lot of pain and on top of that, he had the stomach flu and that’s definitely not a great situation in terms of bodily fluids leaving the body. He showed me the tumor located above his chest near his shoulder and it was like someone inserted a baseball under his skin! I couldn’t believe that he was living with this for the longest time and didn’t have the means to go to the doctor until now. What sad stuff…the guy is such a humble dude and basically went to Morgan asking if he could somehow get a motel room for the night to stay warm so he could fight the stomach flu. That’s why Morgan approached me and asked if I could take him to one nearby and help pay for his board. I gladly accepted and we prayed for David multiple times and I gave him my number to call me in case anything happened.
Pretty tough Tuesday. Losing a homie and hearing about David’s situation. But there were good things as well.
As I mentioned earlier, I had a last second change of heart and decided to stop by the store and grab some items for the group. When I showed up to the group on Tuesday with the gloves and the iced tea mix, I found out that we had just run out of gloves and drink mix the previous week. A couple of the volunteers went to a few stores earlier that day and for whatever reason could not find any food handling gloves or any drink mix at the stores… which seems odd to me because those items aren’t really in high demand all the time. What perfect timing.
There are a couple of things that I observed on Tuesday:
1. God is purposeful in our lives.
The struggle I had in the car regarding my decision to go to the group this week was mostly related to my purpose in the group. Was I just some volunteer that does this to feel good about myself? Was I really making a difference in these guys’ lives? And I can’t pinpoint it now, but something switched in my mind to make me decide to go at the last second. And ten minutes after praying for the food…and after thinking to myself, man…I wish there was some kind of way I could help these guys even more, Morgan approached me with David’s situation. How rad is that? The idea that I should skip this week seemed very appealing but somehow, I ended up going and somehow I was able to help David out. Everything that happened that night seemed extremely purposeful, there’s no other way to explain it.
2. God is sovereign.
I got a text message the next day regarding my gloves and iced tea purchases. The timing of it all was all too perfect. Even little things like wearing gloves when we handle the food goes a long way in telling people you care for them because you want to keep everything as clean and sanitary as possible. And as I mentioned above, I have never purchased those items before and I have no idea why I thought to buy those things that day but I can say that it definitely was not accidental. In fact, around lunch time I remember thinking to myself, are they okay with gloves? Maybe I should buy them another box. Having extra gloves never hurt. I’m glad that I didn’t skip out this week.
Anyway, there was a lot of stuff to process for me that night. It was pretty tough Tuesday but still a lot of good stuff happened as well.
Recently, there’s been lots of talk of the San Diego Chargers skipping town and moving up to Los Angeles. What a bunch of garbage.
The city of San Diego and the Chargers organization need to sack up and figure this out now. As much as I love the Q, it’s like loving your first car that is falling apart but still somehow manages to hold some kind of sentimental value. I would much rather trade it in for a brand new state-of-the-art Luxury BA vehicle.
And as long as everybody is voicing their opinions regarding whether they should stay in San Diego, or where the new stadium should be located, or if it should be a closed or open stadium… I officially submit my stadium proposal as well. I present to you, Chargers Island, the world’s first floating stadium:
San Diego Chargers Island Stadium will float off the coast of San Diego with a retractable clear cover.
Here are a few highlights/features of my brand new stadium proposal:
1. Floating Island
San Diego is the most chillest city in the world. We love our ocean so why not build the stadium in the water? This solves the problem of where to locate the stadium and arguing over rights to the land and all that stuff. What about pollution in the ocean? Well, there won’t be any because all the waste that is generated will be compacted into tight packages and launched back to land. The waste cannons have their GPS coordinates automatically set to the location of the Oakland Colosseum. Since Oakland is the armpit of California anyway, nobody will really care. Also, the energy required to run the massive propeller underneath the island is fueled by noise and vibrations generated by the game and magnified by the clear dome covering. How this technology works, I have no idea but if we can build a stadium like this, we should have that technology figured out as well.
In the playoffs, we could even float the island further out near Hawaii to make the trip for teams like New England and Indianapolis a lot further and burdensome… just to mess with their mind.
Fans will have a few options of how to arrive to the games. They can ferry to and from the stadium, dock their own ships, or ferry to and surf back. After each game, the island will use hydraulic forces to move up and down to generate epic sized waves for fans to surf back home. They will also extend a ridiculous length of reef out to create the perfect break and let fans enjoy their journey home. Surfboards not provided.
3. Coral Reef
All that funky color you see underneath is actually a huge coral reef system. During the off season, Chargers Island floats closer to the coast and anybody is encouraged to go and swim underneath and visit the various marine life. They’ll be in cooperation with Steven Birch Aquarium and Seaworld to help generate profit and teach San Diego students about cool ocean life on awesome field trip opportunities. Imagine the interaction between two students meeting from two parts of the United States.
San Diego kid: Hey Billy Bob, Where did you go for your field trip?
St Louis kid: I visit a carrot farm and sampled carrot juice…
San Diego kid: We took a submarine and visit the reefs under Chargers Island and ate lunch at their underwater restaurant!
St Louis kid: FML…
4. Tailgating on the Beach
There will be a large beach/sand area around the entire stadium. Fans can purchase tickets for these reserved spots and tailgate outside on the sandy lawn and watch the game on giant screens outside of the stadium. For far too long, San Diego fans have been accused with being fair-weather fans or band wagoners and as much as I hate to admit it, there is some truth to that claim. When the sun is blazing and the surf is pumping, I too struggle with the decision to go to the beach or watch the Chargers game. Life is full of difficult decisions like this when you live in San Diego.
But now, you can do both! Fans can head out to Chargers Island and tailgate on the sand, watch the game on the large screens outside of the stadium, play volleyball with hot chicks and enjoy all of the perks of San Diego.
5. Pre-Game Celebration
Anybody who has been to a Chargers game is familiar to the cool pre-game flyovers performed by the awesome pilots at Miramar. But they will now be obsolete as the cool new pre-game celebration will be to float a warship out from San Diego Bay and fire those just outside the stadium. Much louder. Much awesomer. Much more America. Cannons set to coordinates 40º oo’ N 127º 00′ E
Chargers Island will be the safest stadium in the world. Why? Because the security system will be state of the art, never before utilized in the real world. It will be designed as giant versions of Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius’ tentacle arms as seen in Spiderman 2. The system will automatically detect any unruly behavior and notify the security operators of such activities. The operator will then be allowed to control the arms to remedy the situation and dispose of fans in a proper manner.
In my opinion, this is the best stadium proposal yet. What’s not to like about it?
It has been brought to my attention that I spelled “Chargers” as “Changers” in my artist sketch of the floating stadium. Maybe I did this on purpose to protect myself from the backlash of the Chargers organization coming after me. Or maybe I can’t spell. And maybe I’m too lazy to go back through Microsoft Paint and change it…
Yesterday was my birfday. Happy birfday to me.
Honestly, my birthday is not that big of a deal for me to celebrate…all I really ask for is to spend time with friends or family and really… that’s it. Yesterday, I went to work and had a family dinner which I was happy with. My dad is still out of town on a business trip until next week so he wasn’t here.
Anyway, here are a few highlights of the night:
Part One: Driving Mom and Sister to pick up Grandpa
Mom is the ultimate backseat driver but she’s getting better. I have tried to remedy this constant backseat voice by turning the radio to San Diego’s Jazz station 88.3 whenever mother is in the car. So just as we leave the house, I’m talking to sister about her college when I look in the backseat and mother is clearly thinking about something very hard. Her forehead is wrinkled in deep thought and she looks to be in a meditative state. In my mind, I’m thinking she’s wondering about dinner logistics and whether she made reservations correctly or not. Whatever.
We drive for another ten minutes. A new jazz song comes on the radio with someone riding the high hat and a trumpet solo starts.
Mom: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I got it!
JS: What? You got what?
Mom: This music. I know this music. This is that Mexican music they play down in Mexico.
JS: What on earth…?
Mom: Mexicans play this all the time… I know it…
JS: Mom. It’s Jazz. This is a trumpet solo.
Mom: Yeah. Mexican music.
Sister: Wow. I can’t believe I’m hearing this.
Mom: What? Mexicans don’t play this?
JS: No, I’m sure they do but this is Jazz…not Mariachi. Please don’t confuse them mom.
Mom: Aiyo! I know what I’m talking about.
JS: Okay mom, you win.
Another five minutes go by and the solo is still going on.
Mom: C’mon! How is this not Mexican music! You’re telling me this isn’t Mexican music?
Sister: Wow. Racist.
JS: Dude, it’s mom. She…nevermind.
Part Two: Picking up Grandpa
We got to my grandpa’s condo and I walked to the door to escort him to my car. He was already outside and turned to lock the door as I walked up the pathway to greet him. I haven’t seen this guy in months.
JS: Hi Grandpa! How are you? You doing okay?
Grandpa: Where’s your girlfriend? Is she coming to dinner?
JS: I don’t have a girlfriend…
Grandpa: I know. (laughs hysterically)
We walk back to the car slowly.
JS: Here grandpa, let me open the car door for you…
Grandpa: Am I ever going to meet her before I die? hahahahaha…
Wow. Too far grandpa…too far. I close the door.
Part Three: Dinner
Dinner was delicious. My only question is… why do they always have such ambiguous descriptions on the menu?
What the heck are these assorted cold dishes? Vegetarian Duck makes no sense at all. And this “Craving at 5AM” sounds crazy delicious. In fact, I ordered it because I wanted to see what the heck it was. It was hot and spicy. Something that someone definitely should not be eating at 5AM unless they want to follow up with a side of “Diarrhea at All Day”.
Also, we usually have a few minutes to compete who makes the best chopstick holder for dinner. Grandpa saw me make mine and then made his own. His sucked. Hey old man, take that for the girlfriend comment earlier…
My chopstick holder is on the right and his failure is on the left.
Grandpa: Hey…don’t take a picture of it. I’m not done with it.
JS: Oh, you’re done with it. Get your hands away!
Grandpa: Okay fine. You’re future girlfriend would be so proud of you. Hahaha
Part Four: Dinner Conversation over Shark Fin soup
We got shark fin soup because it was delicious. While we were eating the soup, I mentioned that I read in an article online last week that people were trying to make it illegal in California to buy, sell or eat real shark fin soup.
Mom: Oh. Then we should listen and not eat this soup…
JS: No mom. There are people in California who want to make it illegal because of the way they cut the fins off and then throw the shark back in the ocean to die
Mom: Oh. That’s horrible. Fine, we shouldn’t order this again at restaurants…
JS: What? I thought you like this soup..? This stuff is good
Mom: I do but if Asian people don’t want to eat the soup, then we should stop eating it too
JS: It’s not the Asian people who want to stop eating it, it’s mostly white people who disagree with how we get the fins mom
Mom: Oh, then we should definitely listen.
JS: What? Why?
Mom: Well, this is America. And this is their country. We should do what they say and not cause trouble.
I am completely shocked. I stare at my mom for a few seconds. Then I look over to my sister who has stopped eating her soup and who is equally shocked.
JS: Mom. You do remember that I was born here in San Diego right…?
Mom: Yes, what about it?
JS: …and that makes me American…
Mom: Oh yeah. I forgot.
JS: Wow mom, you’d make the perfect railroad worker…one who will never complain at all…
Mom: Wait…who’s building a railroad?
The soup was delicious.
Part Five: Birthday Presents
I repeatedly told my mom and dad to not buy me anything for my birthday. All I wanted was to grab a nice dinner and spend time with family but they both got me something anyway. We’ll start with my dad’s gift which was a polo shirt with many many many colors. It reminded me of a tie-dye polo shirt that had weird stripes and sleeve colors instead of a psychedelic swirl. The second my mom showed me the gift, we all laughed because everybody knew (except for my dad) that I would not like the shirt the moment I laid eyes on it. My brother also added the unnecessary comment, “Happy Birthday man… nice Joseph polo.” (See link if you do not get the joke)
Then my mom gave me her present in a bag. I looked inside.
JS: Thanks mom… what the freak? Why?
JS: This isn’t funny anymore. Why are you doing this?
Mom: Well I figured this will help too.
JS: This will help too?
Sister: What is it?
I pull the gift out of the bag.
(See previous Johnny Armani post)
Overall, I had a great birthday. I spent time with family (minus my dad) and ate some super dank food at a really nice restaurant. I leave you with a childhood birthday picture of me in junior high. This was back when my dad would go, “hey look!” and then snap the photo. No wonder we all look completely ridic in this photo.
Best birthday photo: mom caught unprepared, attention wh___ sister, Johnny Sideburns completely stoked about the birthday cake and proof that my bro was once skinny.
I recently purchased an item on craigslist. Here is my horror story.
I was looking to buy an ipod classis 160gb from this person. I was browsing through craigslist and finally found one in good condition and at a good price. The ad said something like this from what I remembered:
It is in great condition. I do not really use it anymore and I really need to sell it quick! Please email or give me a text. Thanks! Call or text 555-555-5555. Ask for Emmanuelle
I’m thinking that it’s a great deal. I can probably bargain it down a bit because they need to sell quick. What the heck, I’ll give it a shot. So I sent a text message to Emmanuelle to see if she still had it. She did. I asked if I could test it out before purchasing it and she agreed. I also am aware that some people’s definition of “great condition” vary from “perfect condition” to “eh.. it still works I guess,” so she text me a picture of it and indeed it was in great condition. From the picture text, I could see that Emmanuelle was watching a video of the Royal Wedding and I thought to myself, “wow, girls and the wedding… get over it already.”
Whatever. This was great. Now we just needed to figure out a price and schedule a time to pick it up.
That’s when I made my first mistake.
I must admit, a name like Emmanuelle conjures up vivid imagery of hotness. Think… I duno… Emmanuelle Chriqui:
And this is when I may have strayed off the path of righteousness…I figured what the heck and decided to utilize my skills and get Emmanuelle to lower the price by means of ridiculous flirting. And it worked. A series of texts went back and forth and while I will not reveal my tactics and smooth texting skills, I got her to lower the price quite a bit. Great success! I was very proud of my accomplishment. A skill that I thought was long lost within me still rages on in my soul: schmoozing ladies.
We now needed to schedule a time to meet up and where. I told her that I could meet up after work and would text her then.
JUMP TO SCENE AFTER WORK
Right before I left work, I sent another message to Emmanuelle.
JS: Okay, leaving work see you soon
Emmanuelle: Okay ;-P
I was thinking to meet up at a coffee shop or a parking lot but she had different plans.
JS: I can meet you at that plaza in the parking lot next to Vons
E: I don’t drive here’s my address___.
JS: Oh okay
E: I’ll wait for you…🙂
She doesn’t drive? …or she can’t drive? Is she a little girl?! Then I remembered that I spent a good portion of today flirting with this chick with the purpose of trying to get a good deal on this ipod. I’m in trouble. What the heck am I doing going to her house? What if she’s super hot? Awesome. What if she’s nasty? C’mon, let’s be positive here. Scanning through my phone again, I see that all the “heehee” and “haha” and “;-P” along with the royal wedding picture on the ipod should have thrown up red flags everywhere. Craaaap… this must be a little girl. Well, it’s too late to turn back now. I hope there is adult supervision when I show up.
So I arrive on her street and forgot the house number because I did not write it down. I decide to call the number and ask for Emmanuelle like it says in the ad and some dude picks up with music pumping in the background.
Some dude: Hello?
JS: Hi, I’m the one picking up the ipod from Emmanuelle. I’m on the street but don’t have the house address.
Some dude: The house address is ___
JS: Sorry could you repeat that? (music too loud)
Some dude: It’s ____
JS: Okay thanks. Is Emmanuelle there?
Some dude: This is Emmanuelle.
JS: Wait sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly over the loud music… is she there?
Emmanuelle: I’m sorry. I like to play the music really loud…
Emmanuelle: Yes, I’m Emmanuelle.
*long long long pause*
Emmanuelle: See you soon!
I hang up.
Emmanuelle is a dude! Emmanuelle is not a girl! Emmanuelle is a man! This is not good.
What the heck have I done?!
So I’ve been flirting with a dude all day. I feel like I need to take a shower. This is gross. And now I’m nervous as heck. I park my car and walk up to the door. The music is firing inside. Are they having a party in there?…Okay Johnny, just get in and get out as fast as you can and keep everything business like. I knock on the door.
Emmanuelle opens the door. As a wave of trance/dance/rave music erupts in my ears, I see that Emmanuelle is a little filipino dude that looks super fruitalicious. His shirt is almost as illegal as the music that is violating my eardrums at the moment.
Emmanuelle: Hi! are you filipino? (he is super excited)
Emmanuelle: Oh, what are you?
JS: Not filipino
Oh gosh this is weird already. Get in and get out. As we walk further into his house, I realize that it’s quite large. It’s dark as heck too as he’s got all the curtains closed and blinds shut. We turn a few corners, go down a few halls and the music is getting louder and louder. I feel like I’m in a frigging club here…it’s super dark and the music is deafening! If I turn the corner and see tons of filipino dudes dancing in a circle, I’m bee-lining it straight to the front door. I’m not going to be able to handle all that visual stimuli at this moment when I’m still trying to
process recover from the fact that I’ve been flirting all day with Emmanuelle, a grown-ass filipino man.
We turn the corner and thankfully there’s no dancing. He shows me the ipod and while I’m trying to concentrate on testing it out, Emmanuelle can’t stop asking me questions like, do you like dance music? or do you like to dance? or my friend is a DJ and we play this at the club all the time. Okay, the last one wasn’t a question but I had to try really hard not to laugh. Anyway, we do the exchange and I get out as fast as I can and get into my car.
I drive off feeling not so great…as if I just went on a blind date with a dude. Not totally stoked about what just went down but at least I got an ipod at a really good deal… right? sigh
Well, anyway…the lesson to learn from my horrible craigslist experience is do not flirt with strangers who could potentially be flamboyant filipino ravers.
Here’s the picture that Eman sent me of the iPod with Royal Wedding video…