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Osama Bin Laden Movie

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So I’ve had a couple weeks to process this whole Osama Bin Laden killing and to be quite honest, I am still more shocked than anything else that we finally got this guy after nearly ten years of searching. I’m glad the guy is gone…not planning anymore attacks and whatever but I just really thought that we were never going to catch him or even hear about it if we did. I figured that if the government did get him, they wouldn’t tell us. I don’t know why I think that…maybe because they’re the government and they lie to us all the time.

Anyway, this post is not about that. Instead, it’s about the movie I’m producing to tell the story of how we got OBL, a story of the true heroic efforts of SEAL Team Six. Everybody is talking about how they can’t wait until the documentary is going to come out to see what exactly happened, and I’m going to beat them to it. In fact, I already have a script and I’ve narrowed it down to specific actors that I want to be a part of this amazing movie. I won’t give away any of the plot but I’ll go ahead and reveal the people I have in mind to star in my epic blockbuster.

Here’s a quick leak of my movie being released in 20-whenever.

Title: Osama Bin Bye-Bye

SEAL Team Six:

Team Member #1: Steven Seagal (Captain)

Expertise: Guns, karate chops, stabbing people with their own knives, cooking

This was a tough choice but made the most sense. He is super cool under pressure and he makes rational decisions. He’s your modern day MacGyver who has a passion for fighting injustice and killing terrorists and effortlessly twisting people’s necks. He chills with Native American folk too which makes him 200% American.

Team Member #2: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Muscle #1)

Expertise: Wit, puns, one liners, big explosions, killing the crap out of terrorists/aliens

He’s obviously the coolest guy on the team partly because he refuses to wear body armor because bullets cannot pierce his skin when his muscles are flexed. Anytime you want to go into the jungle, Russia, Mars, outer space or a kindergarten class to do some damage control, he’s your man. He is also extremely calm under pressure but occasionally goes into rage mode which means he cannot be SEAL team captain. While he is good at covert operations, he’s best used for large scale assaults because he loves making a big entrance… and because he loves to scream.

Team Member #3: Sylvester Stallone (Muscle 2)

Expertise: Machetes, bow-n-arrows, explosives, guerrilla warfare, staring people down

Southeast Asians have suffered Rambo’s wrath for far too long. I debated having him on the team especially with Arnold already on it, but it made sense to have a second muscle. The mere sight of Stallone and Schwarzenegger together would make terrorists urinate themselves and then commit suicide. They could save bullets on other important things like shooting down helicopters.

Team Member #4: Chuck Norris (Veteran)

Expertise: Protecting America

If there were six Chuck Norris(es?), this entire team would be made up of all of them. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. There is so much unknown about this American hero yet at the same time…we know so much about him:

When Chuck Norris plays pac-man, the ghosts stay in the box.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by saying, “Bang!”
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris heard that nothing could kill him, so he found nothing and then he killed him.

Team Member #5: Jean Claude Van Damme (Wild Child)

Expertise: Jump kicks, flying front kicks, roundhouse kicks, gay poses.

You don’t need to breach a door with C4 when you have JCVD who can shatter it with a mighty roundhouse kick. Some people may question his mental stability and say that he’s a huge liability to the team or any operation but that is quickly forgotten when he starts punching and kicking everybody directly in the face. I don’t care what anybody else thinks, you can never have enough Van Dammage.

Team Member #6: Mr. T (Lamar Odom)

Expertise: Flashing the bling, pitying fools, flexing muscles

Seems like every action movie has a cool black dude in it these days so Mr. T is my obvious choice. He’s so cool that when I was three years old and laying in bed with a fever, I tried to convince my dad that it was okay for me to drink sodas. When my dad asked who said that I could drink 7-up when I’m sick, I simply replied, “Mr. T said I could drink 7-up.”

Other candidates:

Charles Bronson, Chow Yun Fat, Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo

There you have it, the main cast of SEAL Team Six. Now let’s quickly browse through the rest of the characters in my movie.

Bin Laden: ZZ Top

Any of these guys will do. I don’t think I need to give that much explanation as to why…

Dead guys #1, 2, 3: Orlando Bloom, Jar Jar Binks, Jeff Goldblum

Because they’re annoying as heck.

Copter Pilot: Carrie Anne Moss

She’s already programmed to fly a helicopter… and she knows how to crash one as well. Just like in real life.

Barack Obama: Samuel L Jackson

They both have guns…

Hillary Clinton: Dakota Fanning

When the crap hits the fan, I can’t think of anybody else who freaks out as much as Dakota Fanning.

Joe Biden: A.J. Smith

This is my best cast ever. Joe Biden will be portrayed as an anti-negotiating badass by San Diego Chargers GM A.J. Smith. Nobody plays hardball as well as A.J. OBL and Al-Qaeda are in for a surprise as they’re going to only be given one offer and that’s it…and that offer is probably how they want to be killed. Any “negotiating” with A.J. Smith goes something like this:

Negotiating Party: Let’s talk, here’s our offer. What do you think about…
A.J. Smith: Here’s my offer. Let me know when you accept my terms. (Gets up and walks away)
Negotiating Party: …what…? Hey! Come back here, we’re not…
A.J. Smith: (Closes door on way out)

*crickets*

Take that terrorists! Happy Friday the 13th!

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Written by jonewantsm3

May 13, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

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