Super Hot Girl Names

Today is Cinco De Mayo. To celebrate, let’s talk about names.

Names are such an important thing in today’s society. Some people have nice names and some people have great names, and still others have really crappy names. What your parents name you could directly impact your self esteem growing up as a child in our brutal school system. I once met a boy named Richard Hardigan and as you may know (or not), Dick is a nickname for Richard and as you may definitely know, Dick Hardigan is not a good name to have when you are growing up.

I also once knew an Asian girl named Chin Kuang while I was in middle school. She was in my PE class and it was a requirement for everybody to have their first name and last initial written on the front of their gym shorts. This was to help the teacher remember your name and prevent people from stealing your clothes. This was not a great idea as her shorts read “Chin K.” which made it funny because she was Asian and made it even funnier because the teacher would call her “Chink” all the time without hesitation.

So as we can clearly see already, some names are better than others. In fact, I bet you didn’t know that some names are hotter than others.

Today, I will be analyzing the profound science behind how hot certain female names are and the scale that I have invented to rate these names. It is a kind of female name scrabble if you will, a game that actually makes a whole lot of sense if you really think about it. A certain amount of points are added to the hotness of a girl’s name depending on how many criteria their names meets. And of course, while each rule or scale has their exclusions, you will notice that my scale is true for 99.99% of all women in the universe. The only 0.01% that are exceptions are the women I know who may be offended after reading this post and confronting me that they do not have a hot name.

Here is the point system of rating the hotness of a girl’s name:

+4:  K sound – (ie. Christine, Kate)
+1: R sound – (ie. Rachel, Laura)
+1: L sound – (ie. Carol, Lauren)
+2: BR sound – (ie. Brittany, Amber)
+1: SH sound – (ie.Shannon, Ashley)
+1: Double letters – (ie. Hannah, Jessica)
+1: E sound – (ie. Jenny, Melanie)
+2: Ends in N sound – (ie. Megan, Karen)
+2: Weird spelling – (ie. Ashleigh instead of Ashley, Jesca instead of Jessica)

Scale:
0-2: Swamp thing
3-4: Average/nice looking
5-6: Good/great looking
7-9: Hotness
10+: My loins are burning

There you have it. The scale of great accuracy to figure out the hotness of a girls name. Now let’s look at some generic examples.

Monica – 4 points – A nice average name for an average girl
Monnika –  7 points – A hot name for a hot girl

Ashley – 3 points – It’s a nice name for a girl but once grown up I recommend legally changing it to…
Ashlee – 6 points – See what I did there?…double letters, alternate spelling and E sound now. Instantly upgraded to a hottie

Courtney – 6 points – I knew a girl named Courtney in 8th grade that liked me a lot, I was too stupid to realize it until high school when she became full blown hottie. Then she moved away forever…
Cortlyn – 10 points – Then a girl named Cortlyn came along in high school and she was super hot. I recently stalked researched her on FB just to make sure my scale was accurate and man, she’s like ten times hotter now. Success!

Kate – 4 points – This is a really nice name to begin with, but…
Katelyn – 7 points (or 9) – add a “-lyn” and Kate becomes instantly hotter based off of logical scientific reasoning. (9 points because I usually see it spelled Caitlin)

Now we move on to real world examples:

Carrie Underwood (7 points):

She is obviously hot because of her name.

Susan Boyle (2 points):

Oh gosh my eyeballs hurt.

Shania Twain (1 million points):

She’s so hot it inspired me to write her a letter back in high school…

Dear Shania Twain,
You may not know me but I know you very very well. I think you are hot and you sing good all the time. I’ve memorized every single one of your songs and I think we should release a duet album. You look like you would smell really nice and you inspire me to become super manly so I can one day win your heart over. Also, what’s up with your husband? Get rid of that loser already, I am like fifteen hundred times cooler than that dude. You know what they say, once you go Asian… we will… uh love you long time.

Not only will I love you long time, but I am a great listener and I fit your description of a perfect man. How is it possible that I am so perfect for you? Well I’m glad you asked. In your song “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, you say that smart guys, good looking guys and guys who drive nice cars don’t really do it for you. Well, I have great news! I am neither smart nor do I own a car and I am definitely nowhere near as good looking as Brad Pitt as you so perfectly revealed in your song. This must mean that we are perfect destined for each other. And I totally don’t care if you are way older than me, when we are dancing at my prom and a guy laughs at you because of your age, I’ll beat their asses hard! So hard it won’t be funny. I’m not even laughing right now as I write this letter that’s how serious I am.

I know this is a long shot but I wanted to write this to you just so you can think about it. So, please please please think about it. Because I am definitely thinking about you…

Love,
Your Biggest Fan XOXO
Johnny Sideburns

Rukleen (12 points):

Okay so I decided to come up with a random name that would be over 10 points and for whatever reason made this name up. Then I googled it to test my scale and this hottie popped up forever proving that my scale is accurate. She is smoking hot and I will definitely not be naming my daughter Rukleen.

Until next time, don’t get mad at me…