Please forgive my late posting of this year’s bracket. I was going to reveal my bracketology ingenuity to the world on Monday after selection Sunday but some crazy college girl opened her mouth and that post took precedence over my bracket. Not only did she ruin the first Monday of the Madness for me, but she also put a little damper to my Pi(e) Day as well (yes, I am a geek). But I guess no harm done…here we go:
I get really excited this time of year for many reasons, the sun goes down later in the day so I can maybe catch a few waves after work, summer is just around the corner, and best of all March Madness is here. This is the only sports event I look forward to in the football offseason. I have been a huge college basketball fan since I was seven years old listening to the games on a little radio that my pops gave me. For the duration of the tournament, I would fall asleep with the radio next to my pillow every single night there was a game. Great times…and as I grew up, another aspect that I really enjoyed about the Big Dance was picking winning teams for the bracket.
Now, many people approach me and ask how I select my teams. Some people think that it’s just pure luck. Other’s may think that you just have to feel which team will win and pick them. And while those methods may have some value, I must respectfully say that those methods suck and mine is the best: I pick teams based on how ugly/ crazy/ threatening/ scream-o the head coach is. It can’t fail.
What? You may ask (or not)…that makes no sense? How can you go about measuring that? Simple. That makes perfect sense and I’ll tell you why…simply this reason. They’re not the best looking chap in the arena and therefore they’ll do anything to win. It’s pretty solid reasoning…I know…but how can we measure this? Simple.
I introduce to you, my John Mayer scale:
John Mayer = 1.00 John Mayer
Then we must calibrate my scale on a test item:
Steven Tyler = 1.50 John Mayer
And we’re calibrated. Yes, Steven Tyler is exactly 1.5 times uglier than John Mayer so we know we’re accurate and good to go. Now we jump back to where it really matters, the Elite Eight:
The East: #1 Thad Matta (Ohio State) vs #3 Jim Boeheim (Syracuse)
Thad is the younger of the two head coaches. Jim may be your typical older scary coach that you don’t want to cross but Thad simply has too much vocal firepower and odd-shaped nose syndrome to win this. Thad’s 0.43 JM beats out Jim’s 0.33 JM and Ohio State advances to the Final Four.
The West: #12 Josh Pastner (Memphis) vs #3 Jim Calhoun (UConn)
I first have to say I have no idea what Jim is doing with his hands. While Josh is a lot younger, and can probably scream up a bigger storm than Jim, he’s just not threatening at all. He looks like the horrible result if Mark Sanchez and Ben Savage (Cory from Boy Meets World) had a secret love child. Josh ranks 0.22 JM and Jim is a 0.39 JM. UConn advances to the Final Four.
The Southwest: #5 Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt) vs # 5 Matt Painter (Purdue)
This is a heavy-weight fight right here. Kevin Stallings aka Kevin Malone from The Office is in for a huge fight against Matt who you have no idea if he’s screaming, singing, confused or passing gas. Maybe all of the above. While you hope to never run into guys that look like this on the street, Kevin’s orangutan impersonation is winning this one. Kevin scores a 0.56 JM and Matt a 0.47 JM . Vanderbilt is going to the Final Four.
The Southeast: #5 Frank Martin (Kansas State) vs #11 Mark Few (Gonzaga)
Another heavy-weight fight is on our hands. You have Mark Few of Gonzaga who resembles a real, living Skeletor from He-Man in one corner, and the other you have guy who looks like he can forever immortalize you as a speed bump at the local shopping mall. As scary and ugly as Skeletor is, the Mafia is a more realistic threat to anybody who is not living in a He-Man fantasy world. Frank’s 0.48 JM upsets Mark’s 0.63 JM to make the Final Four.
THE FINAL FOUR:
#1 Thad Matta (Ohio State) vs #3 Jim Calhoun (UConn)
In the final four, both coaches turn to the “hands tactic” that worked so well for Jim in the Elite Eight and they also give the “I’m confused look” tactic as they try to baffle the other team into losing. Unfortunately for Jim, his use of his hands in the earlier rounds allowed for Ohio State to game plan against it. A good matchup between the two teams, but UConn loses out to Ohio State in a very close game. Thad’s 0.39 JM trumps Jim’s 0.38 JM and Ohio State makes the championship game.
#5 Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt) vs #5 Frank Martin (Kansas State)
The heavy-weights go at it again. Frank’s anger and rage is simply no match for Kevin Stalling’s face. Oh my gosh just look at it! This is a blowout from the beginning as Kevin’s face puts up a performance to remember in this year’s tournament. Kevin’s 0.87 JM destroys Frank’s 0.61 JM. Vanderbilt advances to the championship game.
THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME:
#1 Thad Matta (Ohio State) vs #5 Kevin Stallings (Vanderbilt)
This one is a hard one to call. I can barely even look at their faces for this one it’s that good! Kevin continues to use the face that only a mother can love while Thad tries to beat him at his own game with the eyes. Unfortunately for Thad, Kevin’s face is undeniably the ugliest thing I have seen in a long time and Ohio State falls to Vanderbilt in a wild upset. Kevin’s 0.87 JM beats Thad’s 0.73 JM.
So there you have it. My bracket picks for this years 2011 March Madness. My method truly works… you’ll see in a couple weeks.
Until next time. Cheers!