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Valentines Tips From A Pro

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Valentines Day is quickly approaching and I want to help out those of you who are on the bubble of asking a girl out or for those of you who have already met your significant other but don’t know what to get them. You may ask yourself why you should even consider listening to a guy like me, but the truth is this: I’m a pro when it comes to women.

In the past, I have been given many nicknames: Johnny Dangerously, Johnny Bravo, Johnny Sideburns, Jones, Johnny 5, McJones, Lobster, Cool Guy, Studmuffin, Awesome dude, and many other highly complimentary names. The one I secretly cherish though is the title, the love professor. Why this nickname? Because I am extremely knowledgeable when it comes to understanding the needs, the wants, and the desires of women of all cultures, types and shapes. I feel that I understand these things better than they do and I know this for a fact because sometimes I say things that simply leave them speechless or staring at me for long periods of time. It’s a skill that has taken many years to perfect.

Wouldn’t you like to have that same reaction from the girl of your wildest dreams? …to have the ability to leave her speechless with silky smooth words that can only come from my tutelage? Together, lets embark on this journey that will change your life forever.

The first part is for the guy who need to sack up and ask a girl out but either doesn’t know how to or just can’t get the girl to like him. There are a few things you need to know about girls and I will touch upon the top three.

1. Girls like compliments
Start with her face. Talk about how beautiful her eyeballs are and how you appreciate that her eyes are aligned properly and spaced out evenly but not too far apart. Also, make sure to tell her that she has nice teeth too. When she smiles (and she will smile at the teeth compliment!) then you can be like, “oh my gosh…you have a beautiful smile too! I didn’t know!” But you did know. Girls like that. They like to play mind games so the more you pretend to not know stuff like that, the more she’ll start to fall madly in love with you.

You could combo that statement with, “I can see your beautiful teeth biting down on a nice dinner with me on Valentines Day.” O snap! How slick was that? At this point you will be utterly irresistible to her and she will have no choice but to go on that date with you.

As a bonus, girls also appreciate comments such as:
I’m so glad you’re not a fat chick.
I love your skinny fingers otherwise it would feel like I’m holding hands with a dude.
Your hair smells good…and I mean gooooood.

2. Girls like surprises
Surprise the heck out of her. You can start by showing up at her school, workplace, social club, or whenever she hangs out all of her girl friends, you get the picture. When she cries out, “What are you doing here!?” she really means, “I’m so glad to see you again!” Some people may call it creepy, but when two people are destined for each other… it’s called love. You can even one-up that and start telling people that you guys are dating or change that to your status on facebook. That way, when she approaches you and asks, “are you telling people that we’re going out?” you can just be like, “Surprise!”

Chicks also dig it when guys give them flowers and chocolates. But that’s so average these days and you definitely don’t want her thinking that you’re just another average guy. Instead, buy her a puppy and she will love you for it. It also gives you an excuse to see her more often and every time she looks at “your guys’ dog,” she’ll be bragging to all her friends about you. It happens like that all the time. This also makes sure that you guys are forever connected through the puppy.

3. Girls like confident guys
This is perhaps the most important fact you need to remember. Never ask her a question to which a possible answer is, “no” or anything you don’t want to hear. When you talk to her, you’re making a statement, not taking a fast food order.

Never ask her, “would you like to grab dinner sometime?” Of course she would like to grab dinner! Only losers ask questions like that. Winners say, “hey, let’s grab dinner sometime.” If you make the mistake of asking her to dinner, you may confuse her and she may respond with, “uh… I don’t know…” and that’s because she really doesn’t know. Chicks would rather have all the big decisions in the relationship made by the dude. That’s a fact.

More examples of unconfident questions:
What time should I pick you up?
Can I help you with that?
What movie would you like to watch?
What is your favorite type of flower?

Examples of confident statements:
We’re watching this movie tonight, you’re going to love it!
I ordered the salad for you because I don’t want you getting fat I love you.
You’re driving and you’re paying

Now we move on to the guys who have found their significant other and do not know what to get them. Here are some great gift ideas for your woman.

1. Toaster

But not just any toaster…get her a branding toaster! Women love it when guys leave them a little note here and there. They keep the notes in their books, tape them on their desks, hang them up or whatever. Now you can customize a branding toaster to say little messages to your lady and she’ll love it because it’s one of the first things she’ll use in the morning while making toast. How excited do you think she’ll be when the toast pops up and reads, “Honey I leave work at 6pm so make sure dinner is hot and ready at 6:30pm. XOXO – Your Man” This is a must get item for your lady if she enjoys spending time in the kitchen…which means every woman needs one.

2. Sleeping Bag

If your girl loves beach camping, there isn’t a better gift in the world than this sleeping bag. You combine the best of both worlds when she is able to enjoy an outdoor adventure while sleeping in a giant stuffed shark toy… I mean sleeping bag.

3. Go-girl

What the heck is that!? You may be asking yourself… this is the Go-girl and it is designed to allow women to pee standing up. When is this ever applicable you may ask? Camping, disgusting bathrooms, long road trips where the girls keep going to the bathroom every other exit and you keep telling them that everybody should go right now so we don’t have to stop at the next rest stop but they insist that they’re fine but eventually at the next rest stop you have to make a potty stop again because they have to pee, or whatever. Girls are sometimes paranoid to go to the bathroom in public places so this makes for the perfect romantic gift. This is one of those gifts where her friends get super jealous and say things like, “I wish my man bought this for me! I’m so jealous!” and they should be…because you’re an awesome romantic guy. Girls love it when their friends are jealous of them. Remember that.

4. TwoDaLoo

When you love someone, you want to do everything together. And now you can. This device allows you to continually stare into your lovers eyes as both of you take the browns to the super bowl…at the same time. Have you ever had the problem of both needing to bury an elf and you being the gentleman let her go first and then you crap your pants? That doesn’t have to happen anymore. Have you ever had the problem of being in an important discussion and having that interrupted by someone needing to go make peanut butter? Now your conversation doesn’t have to be interrupted. Don’t be alone the next time you release your chocolate hostages. True love is when you are able to high five your mate as you both export cigars to Cuba together. This is the ultimate valentines gift you can give your lady this year.

My job here is done. Until next time. Have a great Valentines Day.


Written by jonewantsm3

February 11, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

4 Responses

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  1. 1) i hope you don’t actually do any of these things.
    2) i hope no one read this and thought it was good advice.
    3) you are hilarious and this is proof. i hope you had a valentine because even though you wrote a bunch of ridiculous stuff i bet you would be a great valentine to some lucky lady. and i mean that from the bottom of my married-to-an-awesome-guy-and-i’m-just-a-friend-that-happens-to-be-a-girl kind of way.


    February 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm

  2. I hope one day you explain to the world where the nickname “Lobster” originated… if you still remember it, haha.

    Ingrid Chang

    March 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

  3. Remember it?… I’ve been trying to FORGET it for all these years and I just can’t escape the horrid imagery


    March 8, 2011 at 9:06 am

  4. […] really wanted to see her again and was about to ask her out when he remembered that girls like confident guys. He remembered reading this on an awesome blog not so long ago…so instead of asking her on a […]

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