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The Super Bowl National Anthem

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Where do I begin? I went surfing right before and I feel like I could have (should have!) stayed out in the water and enjoyed the non-crowdiness of the weekend waves. Before I get to my disappointment of the national anthem, I have a few things to get off my chest about the whole Super Bowl experience.

America’s game is quickly becoming corporate America’s game. In the future we are going to have teams changing their names just for the Super Bowl game. It would be the Budlight Packers versus the Doritos Steelers (ha get it?). The winner gets the ultimate prize of the Lombardi Pizza generously provided by Papa Johns and they get to celebrate by eating their award in the locker room afterwards. The goal posts would be built out of real cans of Campbell’s Chicken Soup…I can just imagine it now.

And then there’s the issue of the halftime show. That left a horrible taste in my mouth worse than the chocolate cake/bean dip/salsa dip combo I had going on on my plate during the game. How this assortment and combination of flavors ended up on my plate baffles me as much as how the BEP made it as our Super Bowl entertainment. My solution is this…next year, they should just hire a circus to come out and perform. It would be as simple as someone hitting the play button on their mp3 player and just have a bunch of monkeys and clowns prance around the midfield for about twenty minutes.  We would watch in joyous uproar as the monkeys dressed up in Doritos outfits and threw their poop at the crowds. We would equally cheer on the clowns as they get hammered while drinking Budlight and basically whatever happens…happens. Then as the show ends, run them all over with a Chevy car of some kind. The show will be forever remembered just like Janet Jackson’s medieval nipple.

And now we move on to the national anthem.

Get a real singer. Christina Aguilera is not a real singer. I have tried to tell that to people in the past who don’t believe me and now maybe they finally will. This is the equivalent of saying Britney Spears is a great singer or Fergie is a great singer or Hitler was one fun dude. (oy.. too far?) If you saw how Fergie destroyed one of my all time favorite songs by Guns N’ Roses during the halftime show, you will know that Fergie cannot sing. At least she was consistently flat so we know that she consistently sucks at singing.

Head size. Did anybody else notice the massive size of Christina Aguilera’s head? My goodness! I thought I was watching a bobble head sing the national anthem. It was as if a giant bee stung her head right before she walked on stage.

Just sing it. I felt like I was watching one of the bad contestants trying out for American Idol. Christina Aguilera was trying way too hard and all that undulating of the vocal cords had me wiping blood from my ears after she was done. Also, way to screw up the lyrics to our national anthem you traitor.

Recommendations. I can think of many other people who would be better qualified to sing the national anthem. Josh Groban, Norah Jones, Whitney Houston, even Ewan McGregor…

*Excuse the Nicole Kidman hysterical orgasm-ing in the beginning of this scene from Moulin Rouge:

Yes, Ewan McGregor can actually sing in real life as well. My vote goes to recruiting this talented Scotsman for next year if we even have a season next year. I know I just revealed my secret infatuation with Ewan but that is besides the point. The show must go on and Moulin Rouge is a great movie! Actually, I take that back and withdraw my vote for Ewan…instead I vote for giving Carl Lewis another chance of redeeming himself:

He’s actually singing “uh ooooooh” in the beginning because he knows what’s coming to him.

Written by jonewantsm3

February 7, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

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