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Simple Observations Of Genders

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The purpose of this post is to point out a few observations that I have noticed in both male and female tendencies/behaviors/appearances/whatever.

I purposely did not say “Simple Observations of Females” because that would be a four post series with 234209384 points in each post similar to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. There is nothing simple about females. Inversely, I did not mention males because I do not want to give any secrets away but again I am easily sidetracked.

Here are a few simple, and possibly interesting, observations I have noticed:

Females: Get to the point.
When women want something from you, they never ever get to the point right away. They jump here and there and pretty soon you realize that you have no idea what they are talking about or why they are talking about such things. It’s like talking to a butterfly because the conversation flutters and you have no idea where its going. For example, when the ladies need a ride somewhere the conversation may sound like this:

“..um, so what are you doing Friday night?” I don’t know yet, what’s up?
“Well, there’s this event blah blah, did you want to go?” Yea, maybe I’d have to check.
“Okay, let me know because so and so will be coming too. You should come we’ll have a good time.” Nice, that sounds like fun. Okay I’ll come.
“Cool! Also, we don’t have a car and we need to figure out how to get there…” So, you guys need me to give you a ride…?
“Oh, could you!? You’re the best!” …sigh…

Guys are way better at getting to the point than girls are especially asking for rides:

“dude, Friday night this is happening. Can you drive us?” Yes.

Way more efficient and less headache-y in my opinion. This doesn’t mean to say that the guy’s method is best because there are times when being too forward can get you in trouble especially when two testosterone-charged guys are involved.

Males: Don’t know what they want.
I will say that the majority of guys fall into this category and I am fortunate not to be one of them. I’m not saying that I’m not a hypocrite, but I hate when guys say things like this:

Dude, I love a girl who can really eat!
I don’t like girls who eat very little because they’re scared to get fat!

But yet, when describing a perfect girl, 99% of guys will say they don’t want a fatty. What’s up with that!? What happened to pizza monster just a few minutes ago? Were you not blown away by her mad skills of gobbling? No guy wants to introduce their girlfriend like, “this is my girl, she sure can eat!” Again, I don’t know why guys say that. Ever. Although, I will admit, it is pretty impressive if anybody can eat an entire pizza by themselves!

It also blows my mind when guys are enthralled by how a girl can burp longer and louder than other guys. To me this is not attractive at all. Think about it, you don’t ever introduce a girlfriend saying that she can eat lots, burp with the best of them and hang with the dudes. Are you dating goblin chick? Hope not.

Females: Hitting does not always equate to liking.
Back in my youth, I was taught from an female friend that when girls hit you, it is a sign of trust, openness, and possibly liking. What she did not tell me was that closed-fist hitting was directly related to anger, frustration, and disappointment. The story, again from my youth, goes like this. A girl was a very close friend and she did a lot of hitting. I thought, cool we must be good friends and she probably likes me a lot, haha (I need to pause to laugh at my own stupid story). Then, she found out I liked another chick. The next time I saw her, her fists were closed and the hits were a lot harder. My goodness! I had no idea girls could punch so hard.

Which brings me to a side point… is it ever okay to hit back at a girl? In my case, yes.

Just kidding! Seriously though, I strongly believe that there is never a time when you can hit a girl. Ever. It boils my blood when I hear of people hitting or slapping or physically hurting them. So do what I suggest and just lock them in the bathroom for hours until that craziness calms down. Once they agree to be decent, you can let them out.

Males: Farting.
Women need to realize this sad, horrible, and amazing truth: when guys fart, it is a sign of trust, openness and possibly liking. Guys fart around their guy friends because they’re open and comfortable with their friends. If you are dating a guy and he farts around you, take it as a compliment. You make him feel safe enough that he can introduce cheese cutting into your relationship. And as for women, this is a double standard. Do not ever fart around your guy. Why? Because women don’t fart. End.

One thing I don’t understand is when guys fart silently and then deny it. Wimpass. As for me, I am a very open person and I love all of my friends very much. That’s why back in college, I used to lock the windows and turn the heater on and let it rip for my passengers. Once I was confused and hurt to hear a girl cry out in agony in the backseat, “why is he doing this to us!?” Um.. duh! It was obviously a sign to show how much I truly valued our friendship…by hot boxing everybody in my car…

Females: Make-up and other body parts like boobs
Many women seem to believe that make up and large boobs are the answer to all of their beauty problems. They seem to think that makeup can cure all the facial discrepancies and large boobs will overrule any other body part that a guy looks at. False.

While makeup is a nice touch to a special occasion every once in a while. It is definitely not preferred all the time and it is never preferred when you have too much on either. I’ve been in situations where I’ve hugged a girl and spent minutes later in the car wondering what the heck creamy beige colored smear is on my shoulder. I am also not instantly concerned that whoever it belongs to is missing half of their face right now.

Also, Boobs. Just want to throw it out there that not all guys are boob guys. And yes, there is such a thing as too big. Alternatively, sometimes the money spent on a boob job would have been better invested on dental work. All I am saying is that there are other body parts that girls should probably concentrate on or be worried about first…like preventing a femstache. Yes, you know what I’m talking about. Nobody likes talking to a femstache and no guy definitely wants to kiss it. Leave the stache-ing to the males please. If I was a cop and I pulled over a girl who was speeding and saw she had a femstache. I’d write her two tickets: one for speeding and one for femstache. Consider it like a fix-it ticket to help make the world a better place for our eyes.

Males: Mr Upperbody
Just like females, a lot of guys have an incorrect perception when it comes to their idea of what women view as attractive. I am pretty sure girls are not attracted to dudes with massive upper bodies and spaghetti legs.

I actually enjoy watching the many guys in the gym that I nicknamed Mr. Upperbody. How they flock like pigeons around the bench, dumbells, and upper body machines really impresses me. They leave the squat racks and other core stations open to guys like me who enjoy a full body workout. You get an occasional Mr. Upperbody trying lower leg lifts and its amazing how they can bench 315lbs and only squat 135lbs. To me they look like a bunch of gorillas congregating around the mirror at the gym.

There are also a few other gym characters who I like to give a shout out to: Mr. BO (as in body odor), Mr. Trucker Hat, Mr. Cologne Sweat (as in cologne and sweat don’t mix), Mr. Biker Shorts, Mr. Whey Protein Drinker, and Mr. Creepy Sauna Guy. My shout out sounds more like a wince/laugh as I usually have to excuse myself every time I see one of these characters.

Females: Smelling like flowers
The power of scent is a secret weapon that females have that can easily and completely draw a guys attention. There I said it. I just accidentally and purposely gave away a big guy secret. Why? Because I don’t like it when girls smell like attic or grandma’s sweater when they walk by me. Instead, a girl who smells nicely of springtime, soft pillows and nice shampoos will instantly turn heads and make me want to spend the rest of my life with her. Okay, I’m not trying to be creepy but its true. If she smells nice, I’ll have urges to hug her and secretly snip bits of her hair to keep in a zip lock bag collection I have going on my wall…

Kidding! Is that gross? So why is it creepy if a guy does it and not when a girl does it? Yes, I have another side story that is true: I know a girl who told me once that every time she gets a hair cut she keeps the hair in a zip lock bag in her closet as a collection. The End. What does this have to do with women smelling nice? Nothing. But it sure is creepy as hell…

Males: Body hair and hygiene
About hygiene: all I have to say for guys is that showering regularly is necessary and its gross when guys use deodorant/cologne/whatever fragrance as a shower substitute.

Now moving on to body hair. I’m not going to lie, guys love body hair (on guys). They brag about their copious amounts of hair on their legs and arms, they compete at who can groom a manlier beard or mullet, but sometimes too much is too much. I’m talking about dudes I’ve seen whose armpit hair went halfway down between their armpit and elbow. I’m talking guys who have mats of hair on the back of their hands. I cringe ever so slightly when someone extends their hand for a shake and as I wrap my fingers around his paws, I can feel the soft crunch of hair underneath my fingers. I’m not recommending they shave if off, but I’m definitely saying that they need to manage their armpit situation and trim it.

And under no circumstance should girls have any armpit hair or BO or facial hair (see femstache comment above).

For now, that is all. I know I have covered a few crucial ones and I apologize for missing any big ones that you feel is more important.

Until next time. Cheers.

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Written by jonewantsm3

January 13, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

3 Responses

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  1. thank you for educating us all. also, i’m a goblin chick. i won dom by winning the “most likely to break the sound barrier by burbing” award in high school, and my favorite thing to do is fart and ask for a hug. he loves me. so there.

    tara

    January 13, 2011 at 10:14 pm

  2. The fart = trust is an epiphany! I understand why Jerry sits on my head and farts into my face now. Thank you!

    What’s up johnny. I always like your blog posts. Keep em coming!

    Ingrid Chang

    January 21, 2011 at 3:47 pm

  3. If you dont mind, where do you host your website? I am looking for a very good web host and your site seams to be extremely fast and up all the time

    click

    June 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm


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