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This Will Always Be Funny

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For some reason, whenever I see this happen to someone, I can’t help but laugh. I also can’t help but cringe a little and thank God that it didn’t happen to me. What am I talking about? Getting hit in the nuts, thats what.

I know girls are thinking guys exaggerate when they roll around on the ground and moan and cry and wheeze and can’t catch their breath and all that drama but it’s pretty painful to get hit in your marbles. I have never met a guy or seen an incident where a dude gets his eggs smashed and shrugs and walks away. Females must understand that all guys (yes, all) go through the same thought process when they see it happen and it happens in this exact order every time:

1. Comedy
This is when you see someone who gets their family jewels smashed and can’t help but laugh. Everybody laughs. I can’t help but laugh. I think it’s kind of like when you put your hand over a flame and your natural instinct is to jerk it away from the heat…when I see someone get their beans nailed, my naturally have to laugh.

2. Sympathy
Immediately after the initial humor, all guys will sympathize with the fallen brother. It’s sort of a fraternity that you are automatically part of because you have a pair. If vampires and werewolves were doing battle and the werewolf accidentally snagged his berries on something and went down. The vampire would instantly stop and help the werewolf through the recovery process (look below for recovery process). After all, werewolves are people too…kinda.

3. Relief
Once the victim is in recovery mode, all male witnesses to such an event would be saying either out loud or to himself, “I’m sure glad that wasn’t me!” After this stage, it may or may not jump back to the comedy stage depending on if the act was intentional or not.

I’m invincible!…uhhhh… nevermind…

Now I will talk about the steps to recovery. Similar to the process mentioned above of how every guy feels when they witness someone gets hit down under, every guy also goes through a same routine when trying to recover from a direct shot to the cojones.

1. Shock and Pain
The initial pain is confusion mixed with fear and regret. Why fear and regret? I’m not sure.. but it sure is confusing when you first get hit in the nuts.

2. Fetal Position
If you don’t go into this position, your ornaments will not recover. The pain in the stomach automatically bends you over and it is highly recommend to position the legs slightly apart to give the boys as much breathing room as possible. During the comedy and/or sympathy stages mentioned above, surrounding guys will encourage the victim to get in the fetal position as soon as possible to ameliorate the pain in the hanging brain. Yea, didn’t know I could use big words huh?

Fetal position + time = healing process

3. Time
The last step to recovery is time. It depends on the severity of the situation but only time can fix the rest. It’s simple science, the harder you get your sack rocked the longer it takes to bring yourself back to normal operating mode.

Here is the perfect example of someone getting hit in their bollocks:

There you have it. I don’t care if you’re superman, he-man, batman, an athlete,  a CEO, grandpa or Barack Obama. If you are a guy and you get hit in the manjigglies, you’re going down. I don’t even care if you’re Brett Favre:

Notice his perfect form in recovery. No wonder he’s able to stay in the NFL after all these years of physical abuse.

Written by jonewantsm3

October 14, 2010 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

One Response

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  1. LOL. I like how all of the synonyms for a man’s part are linked to a definition.


    October 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

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