Looking For A Roommate
I’ve been listing my condo on craigslist to find a potential roommate to move in with me. I must say that there is definitely a lot more effort, commitment, and emotional energy that goes into this whole process than I would have imagined. Not only do I need to find decent pictures of the place, I have to type an ad that is informative and yet stands out among thousands of other listings.
Who doesn’t want to live here?
I went to work typing up my ad trying to be as informative as possible regarding the room size, location, and benefits to living in this condo. Then I jumped into providing honest and accurate information of who I was, what I did, and what I enjoyed doing in my free time. The last bit was expressing to my reading audience the type of person I was looking to live with. Done. Happy with my quick work, I scrolled up to the beginning of my listing and reread what I had typed. By the time I finished, my satisfaction was replaced with a what the heck is this?…
…it sounded as if I was trying to type up an online dating profile. Whatever. After a short scan-and-edit, I decided to keep “enjoys walking on the beach and late night talks” in my description.
The responses came flooding in.
I got tons of responses from guys and girls equally. I’m here to share with you some of the ridiculous responses I’ve received from these applicants.
1. The 18 year old girl.
She emailed saying my place looks “cool” and that “needs to get away from her parents. uggghhhh” so she wants to move out. Instant delete. I’ve heard of those child predator hidden camera shows… I’m not that stupid.
2. Old woman with cat.
What did you not understand when you read, “no pets allowed” ? And I’m not going to live with a woman who is old enough to be my mother if she had me when she was 20. She also offered to do housework or anything that could help alleviate the cost of rent. Can you swing a hammer and cut moulding with a table saw? If so, I may reconsider your application. But not really.
Old woman… do you know how to tile a fireplace…?
3. Really interested but not really
This guy came over to see the condo and was extremely fidgety/uneasy the entire time. It was kind of one of those he was too scared to tell me something type of moments and when I asked him at the end, “well, what do you think of the condo?” he replies, “hmm… it’s nice…but I’m not really looking to move anywhere right now.” What!? I asked him, “okay so why did you want to check out the place then?” He responded with, “uh, yea…I don’t really know.” Are you kidding me son? Get out of my house…
4. Mother looking for her 24 year old son.
This lady barely speaks any English but I understand that she’s looking for a place for her son. I also find out that she and her son currently live ten minutes away and she’s looking for a place for her son that’s closer to his work. Well, where does your son work? Oh, he works three minutes away back in your direction. Yeah lady, that’s called commuting to work, sorry. Click.
5. Fat girl.
I didn’t even respond.
6. Just kidding about the fat girl in #5.
There wasn’t any fat girl who emailed (how would I know?) But if there was one…am I messed up if I really did that? Or am I just being smart to not waste my time?
7. Two 24 year old French chicks studying abroad
No my place is not close to PB. Is that okay? Oh, you’re not interested anymore? Dammit!
8. Girl who enjoys laughing.
She emailed saying that she does not have a steady job but really loves my place. She also really enjoys movies and laughing. Well, I’m sorry… as much as I enjoy laughing too, I enjoy rent money even more.
As much as I enjoy reading these emails and meeting interesting people, I do have a couple of legit candidates for moving in. As the floods of ridiculous emails still come in, my friend suggested that I start messing with them. The next time someone emails me and I think they’re wasting my time, I’m going to reply with one of the following:
1. “Can you cook, clean and give killer massages? If so, please reply back.”
2. “Are you okay with a clothing-is-optional policy that I have in my house?”
3. “Hi, a/s/l? Do you have a picture? Sincerely, 26/Yes/San Diego”
4. “Hi, I looked you up on facebook. Which one are you in your profile picture? Sincerely, Not a creeper”
I received the following email this morning from a crazy woman. Their email contains the following information:
“I don’t have time for wild, drunken orgies and am easy to get along with.”
I cannot tell you how tempted I am to email back and mess with this person. Oh wait, I already did…