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Absolute Mayhem

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A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a good friend who happened to mention in our little conversation that my life was very interesting. It seems as if I always find myself in weird and curious situations or strange things simply just happen to me every once in a while which makes my life very exciting. I don’t know whether I agree to this statement or not, but yesterday was definitely one of those days which my friend would consider as ‘exciting’. I consider it mayhem. Things happened that didn’t make sense. Things happened that when I told people they didn’t believe me. Things happened that I cried. Just kidding… but I shoulda coulda woulda… but real men don’t cry.

This could be the worst day of my life (or at least from what I can remember). There has not been this weird of a day…a day so full of misfortune for a very long time but to tell the complete story, I must first recap the weekend.

Epic south swell rolled in, some say best of the year. I did not even get into the water… why? Here’s why:

Weekend facts:
– Friday night 6-9pm I ran errands
– Friday night 9pm-4am I painted the bathroom
– Saturday 10am-6pm I painted furniture
– Saturday 7pm-11pm I moved all my stuff over from my parents house and unpacked it all
– Sunday 7am-12pm I helped with worship
– Sunday 12pm-5pm I helped my sister move into college
– Sunday 5pm-9pm I cleaned the house

I literally had no time for myself this past weekend. I was killing myself to prepare for the pre-housewarming and friend’s going away dinner this upcoming Saturday. I went to sleep Sunday night thinking this next week would be less stressful on me since I accomplished so much on the weekend. Foolishness…here we go:

Monday September 20, 2010. The worst day of my life.

A loud crash woke me up. It sounded like a car drove through my wall/window and smashed into the other side of my shaking walls. I heard glass shattering for about four seconds and heard it spread all over the floor of my bedroom. What the heck is going on? I peek through the darkness to see what that was.

“Um… where is my wall shelf?” Yes. I said that out loud to myself.

Yes, the stupid shelf fell off the wall. Along with over 200 CDs, some glass sporting awards I received, my high school football helmet and other stuff. I looked over the edge of my bed to see broken CD covers, glass, and music CDs covering the floor. I felt glass on top of my bed sheets and thought how on earth was I going to get up in the morning without cutting my feet up? I laid there in disbelief for about 20 minutes and then said screw it and went back to sleep.

The alarm goes off…time for work. My mind immediately goes back to how I’m going to get out of bed without getting cut by glass. I somehow manage to grab a book nearby and stand on it, then I tip-toed over to the bathroom to turn on the light. The damage was immense. Imagine if you will that I detonated a grenade in my room. Now you know what it looked like. I literally stood there over a minute just zoned out at the destruction of CDs, glass, and other junk laying on the floor. I looked down to see my Weezer Green Album lying naked by itself next to my foot. Dammit. Can’t do anything now… got to get ready for work and look forward to this mess when I get home tonight.

I’m heating up water for some green tea and decide that I needed to start the day with a quick pick-me-up. I felt so weak from the weekend and somehow managed to look up the Bible verses Psalm 46:1-3. These verses would prevent me from suicidal thoughts later on in the day.

I get into the company vehicle and see the “Trip A” odometer reads “187.0”. The second worst three number combo after triple sixes. As I drive off down the road I realize that my speedometer reads 0 mph. Perfect. I don’t even know how fast I’ll be driving the entire way to work. Am I going to die today? All signs are pointing to an epic day of failure. I make a phone call to one of our mechanics and he tells me that I need to drop the car off at the main office before heading to my jobsite.

After driving for about an hour, I hit crazy congested traffic on the freeway about 1 mile from my exit. I never hit traffic this early something must have happened. I just passed the previous off-ramp so I have to sit through this one. I see three ambulances driving ahead towards what I’m assuming to be an accident. Cop cars pass by. A fire truck shows up too. I can’t see what’s going on, but maybe this will be a good time to relax and listen to some music to burn away the morning misfortunes.

Okay. Ridiculous. Relaxation time is over!…I’ve barely moved 100 feet! I can’t see what’s going on and I really need to go to work.

As we pass the accident, stupid-driver-with-crappy-camera-phone in front of me suddenly halts to a near stop just to snap a picture of the overturned trailer with their phone. Breathe in. I hate rubberneckers with a passion. Breathe out. Get to work. As I speed past the car at a blazing 0 mph, my suspicions were correct all along. Woman.

I get to the main yard and pick up my temporary company vehicle. We do a key swap and I immediately jump back on the road to the jobsite. Good, quick, easy, brainless exchange. I like it.

I finally get to work. The stuff I have to do is piled up from two weeks of vacation time. Throughout the day I’m extremely sleepy from my lack of rest and cannot concentrate on work as my mind is focused on the millions of glass shards lying on my bedroom floor.

We jump to after work.

Closing time! I leave work and drive home with feel good tunes to keep my spirits high. I think to myself that it’s not going to be that bad. I should be able to get everything cleaned up tonight. This morning may have been crazy but I’m not going to let circumstances around me dictate how I feel, or so I thought.

I pull up to my street and park the car. I grab my bag and think positive thoughts as I walk towards my front door. As I walk by the mailbox I realized that I haven’t grabbed the mail in a few days so I reached down to my keys and…wait, my mail key was on the key ring when I swapped cars this morning. And my house key was with those keys as well! Great. I am locked out of my house. Oh my heavens. Now picture me standing in the middle of the parking area with my eyes closed and head tilted back letting out the longest, most sorrow groan ever…because that’s exactly what I did. So this is how it’s going to be. Well, I’ll at least go around back to humor myself and check if I left any windows open that I can jump through. In the back of my mind I already knew that everything wass locked up but I went anyway.

I called my dad as I walked around the back. I asked my parents if they have a spare key at their house that they can drop off. He says that they’re in downtown and cannot make it home until 7:30PM and then they can drop off my key around 8:00PM. Screw that. Knowing my parents, you usually add one hour to their time estimate. I can’t sit around doing nothing and wait for them while I…


“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh I’m so sorry!” I am covered in wetness, dirt, fertilizer and whatever my neighbor lady decided to dump off the side of her balcony onto the grass below. But instead of landing on the grass below, it landed perfectly on my head. I look up to see her with her hands covering her mouth, eyes super wide and muttering all these apologies under her breath. She apologizes non-stop and right away offers to bake me some cookies. I am half-laughing/crying/pitying myself (yes that’s right. Three halves) and tell her I’d rather have her help me break into my house than bake me cookies right now. She took me seriously and tells her husband who decides to come down to help me break into my house.

Her husband comes down and tries to help me break into my condo. “I have tools that you can use to disassemble your door to get in if you need it.” Why on earth would I want to disassemble my door? We then walk to the window. “I have a knife that I can use to break into this window if you need me to do that. I’ll go grab it.” Um…do I really live next to this psycho? I politely decline his offer and decide to head to my parents house.

I grab dinner at a place near my parents’ house and decide to sit down and eat while I wait for them to get back from downtown. After I order my food, I sit down to see that there is a dad hanging out with his son talking baseball behind me.  Across the way there’s a mother and daughter enjoying a nice dinner together and a young family in the corner with the mother helping feed the little girls. In front of me there’s a young couple laughing and having a good time. I look next to me and there’s this pathetic looking guy sitting by himself with a stained shirt covered with dirt. Oh wait, that’s a mirror reflecting  my loneliness and sorrow. I quickly gobble down my food, throw my trash away and leave.

I pick up my keys. My mom asks if I am hungry and throws a bag of apples into my car as I pull away. What and why? As I am driving home, I remember my mom telling me she didn’t have a spare key to my condo but all of a sudden she has one. Hmm, very curious…

I finally get home and walk to my bedroom. I stare at the heap of CDs and glass. I simply cannot believe at the mess I’m looking at. I literally stand there for minutes.

I finally muster enough strength to peel my eyes away from viewing the horrendous mess and start cleaning. I got lots of work ahead of me. Move all the books and items to another room after brushing them off for glass. Salvage all the undamaged CDs and throw away all of the rest. Sweep up the tiny glass particles and throw away all my glass memories. Shattered.

I finished cleaning and decided to check my fantasy football team to see how I did this week. As a final kick to my sack, I realize that Shaun Ellis’ sack against Tom Brady didn’t show up in the stats and I was not getting any credit for the play. Sacks are worth four points. I lost by two points. I’m losing every single battle today.

I jump into the shower and wash dirt and fertilizer out of my hair.

As I lay in the guest bed, I realized that I should be happy to be alive today. For example, the water that my neighbor dumped over her balcony could’ve easily been a spider she caught. Fortunately, the verses I read this morning definitely kept me from suicidal tendencies throughout the day and I was just happy to be laying in bed after a fresh shower.

The End.


Written by jonewantsm3

September 21, 2010 at 1:00 am

Posted in Home, Rant

2 Responses

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  1. i am, seriously, crying with laughter. as i read this i am wheezing and snorting while i laugh like a big nerd because i am laughing so hard. please believe me, not at your misfortune (i feel terrible about your day), but at your great humor and comic timing. you are hilarious!


    September 22, 2010 at 8:40 pm

  2. […] And remember the post a couple years ago about the worst day of my life? […]

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