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Ten Ways To Kill A Spider

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I have declared war on spiders…

…for the 23094820th time…

This past week, a ninja spider rappelled his way down from the ceiling just inches from my computer monitor at work. In my mind I was thinking, “Are you friggin kidding me!? How gross are yooou!!” but what actually came out of my mouth was, “aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!” I hate every single last one of them so very much! Then before I knew what I was doing, courage erupted within my inner-warrior and I sprang into action.

And I killed it.

Yes, you read that correctly. I killed it. I am not going to go into details of how I went about disposing of this demon bug. All I am going to say is that it took a lot of courage and anger…and paper towels. In my efforts to rid the world of spiders, I will share with you the best methods that I have discovered to get rid of these critters once and for all.

1. Vacuum Cleaner
This is very effective way to get rid of a bastard spider. Although it takes a lot of effort, the results are clean and fool proof.

Step One: Make sure spider will not escape from location while you are grabbing the vacuum.
Step Two: Run and grab the vacuum.
Step Three: Plug vacuum in and prepare hose with long attachment.
Step Four: Suck its life away including any web residue
Step Five: Put vacuum in garage
Step Six: Ignore any questions such as, “who put the vacuum in the garage?”

2. The Lacrosse Stick
First you grab your lacrosse stick (if you have a D-pole then you are in better shape!). Then you use the stick to guide the spider out of your room, the window or whatever. Make sure you cover the stick with a disposable paper towel because of the diseases that spiders may carry. Like Parkinson’s or something…

2A. Lacrosse Stick With Sticky Tape
Get some packing tape or any kind of very adhesive tape and put it at the end of a lacrosse stick or long pole. Give the spider a taste of his own medicine by sticking his ass to the tape and then taking him outside. Gingerly shake off the ball of tape over the fence into your neighbors yard or cover the tape with spray paint and proceed to light it on fire.

3. Lighter and WD-40
I discovered fire at a very young age. And just to clarify…when I say discovered, I don’t mean like discovered discovered, but rather that I invented fire at a very young age. You’re welcome human kind. My fellow pyromaniac brother took my fire invention and applied it to the killing of spiders. Before we realized it, our old house had little black soot circles in many of the dark, shady corners outside. While I referred to them as circles of justice, my dad would refer to them as circles of child labor to clean and wash on Saturday mornings.

4. The Open Book
This method is highly effective in the situation of a spider rappelling down from the ceiling or is hanging from a strand of webbing.

Step One: Find a book that you will never use.
Step Two: Flip to a page that you will never read.
Step Three: Open the book underneath the spider and wait for him to descend into closing radius.
Step Four: Slam the book shut ending its life.
Step Five: Never open the book ever again. Ever.

5. Steaming Shower
If you somehow manage to get the spider into a bathtub, you’re in luck. This is probably the easiest and cleanest way to get rid of one of them without much effort. Using the lacrosse stick method or anything improvised from it, you corral the spider to his death via the bathtub. Once inside, turn the water to scalding hot and steam the bastard to his watery hell. If he tries to escape (and he will), just tilt the shower head accordingly to drown and burn his pitiful existence. Make sure to watch closely and make sure that his body does indeed flow down into the drain. Once down the drain, make sure the water runs another ten to fifteen minutes to make sure he will never ever crawl back out again. During this time, the hot water also serves to disinfect the tub from all the germs and nastiness that the spiders may carry on them.

6. Mother’s Love
Politely ask your mother to kill the spider in exchange for washing dishes, taking out the trash or helping her do yard work.

7. Cup And Post-It Note
I prefer a 42oz 7-Eleven cup for this method. The bigger the cup the better.

You wait until the spider is on a flat surface like a table or the floor, then you quickly cover it up. After you trap the scumbag, you leave a note on it…something like, “There is a spider under this cup!!!” I usually keep things simple and write, “WARNING: SPIDER!” This is to make sure that nobody accidentally comes along and kicks it over. If you trap the spider on a wall, proceed to tape the cup to the wall to secure it. You don’t want the spider to escape. Then proceed to leave a sticky note on the cup to end any confusion as to why there is a cup taped to the middle of the wall.


Notice that there is no gap between the cup and the wall…

8. Book And Paper Towel
This is the one method that I prefer to use when there is no one else around who can assist in my spider trouble. All you need is a heavy hardcover and about three to five sheets of paper towels.

Step One: Place sheets of paper towels on the underside of heavy textbook.
Step Two: Wait for the little bastard to enter a clear space on floor.
Step Three: Drop the book on the little bastard.
Step Four: Leave it there.

This method is battle tested to perfection. In the previous v1.0 of this method, I would just straight drop the book on the spider without the paper towels. This paper towel upgrade is preferable for several reasons. First off, you protect the book from splatter and secondly you were courteous enough to place a paper towel down for the person who may come along and dispose of this situation.

9. The Peace Treaty
I actually applied this method a few weeks ago. There was a spider that was huge and intelligent and the second we made eye contact (1:4 ratio), I instantly knew that I could not apply any of the previous discussed methods to get rid of it. As I took a step towards it, it took off so fast across half of the wall.

Screeeew thiissss…. It was a nice sunny day, and I was not about to put my mental health and physical well-being on the line on behalf of this stupid creature.

So I did the next best thing. I opened the window and turned and walked out of my room and stayed out for the entire day. By the time I got back to my room ten hours later, the spider was gone. Hopefully out of the window.

10. The Younger Sibling
In my case, a younger sister. This method is what I call the long term investment and takes great patience and discipline. The following example is strictly hypothetical and in no way, shape or form a real story. So let’s just say that the older brother one day sees a spider and tells the younger sister that he is going to teach her how to do something new, like a new game if you will. She may ask why and he will respond that it is because all adults do it and he loves her very much. He hand her a paper towel and tell her to kill the spider and say something like, “all you have to do is cover it, squish it and then just throw it away.” Then she may be like, “I don’t want to do this Johnny it’s scary,” but you can’t fall for that. Patience and discipline. Then I was like, “well, we’re just going to sit here until you do it. You really really need to learn this because everybody knows how to do this when they get older.” It’s tough. I know. Lying to my little five year old sister. But once you get through the tears, complaining and more tears, you will have a real life spider killing expert in your family who loves and respects you.

So there you have it. All of my secrets are revealed. I admit that not all of these methods are to kill the spider, but at least you will have peace of mind knowing that your spider situation is well taken care of.

Until next time, cheers.

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Written by jonewantsm3

April 12, 2011 at 1:00 am

Posted in Rant

19 Responses

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  1. hahah.. i did the same cup thing when i was in grenada, except i had a centipede underneath it and i sprayed raid on it so i know that it wouldn’t slide out from underneath.

    fern

    April 27, 2011 at 11:07 am

  2. you’re so weird…but it makes you, you.

    annelise

    May 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

  3. Live saver….Thank you.

    Bob

    August 4, 2011 at 9:15 am

  4. haha i dropped a book on it…but then realised the book was my dad’s work planner thing. WHOOPS. :P

    Jac

    August 7, 2011 at 7:09 am

  5. Gosh that article was so funny! I have a big black spider sitting on the folds of my curtain and Im freakin out. Argh!

    Isabella

    March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

  6. LOL, I’m really scared of spider till recently I’d had enough and decided to kill a spider with my thick law school book, the liquid splattered everywhere, should have used towel like you said.

    justkumala

    March 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    • i laughed literally the entire duration of that post…… 10 points for you

      nick

      May 14, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      • so did i hahahahaha

        brandon

        August 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    • Haha :) you took the law into you own hands then ;)! Splendid.

      Godingen

      August 3, 2014 at 6:31 pm

  7. Vacuum cleaner! Why didn’t I think of this before?!

    Rachael

    September 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

  8. too funny

    Dalia Rodriguez

    September 28, 2012 at 12:23 am

  9. I have a million spiders in my christmas tree…..send help….

    Tyler

    December 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm

  10. 2 really easy ways to get rid of a spider:
    1. find a cat to do it for you.
    2. pick up the spider and throw it out(with your bare hands, unless you’re a big chicken,choose 1.)
    P.S. spiders are cute and so misunderstood how about try to not kill them? <please?)

    • They are not Cute. period. period.

      sfdg

      October 21, 2014 at 5:36 pm

  11. The younger sibling is my favourite! I too, have recently declared war on spiders. I live in constant fear of them. Originally I believed that we could form a truce, and live in a peaceful, yet uneasy harmony. But then I discovered their secret plans to destroy me! They had stealthily been preparing an army of babies, trained to annihilate me while I slept. But I discovered their traitorous plans, and (after running screaming to the main house, where I laid low for a few days) I have armed myself with a new type of weapon. Let the chemical warfare begin. Happy hunting.

    Mikaila Jones

    June 27, 2013 at 10:13 am

  12. This post was hilarious. I’m gonna use #10 for when I have kids. I can’t wait to have real life spider killing experts in my house!

    Jasmine

    July 16, 2013 at 12:53 am

  13. You could also squeeze a bunch if soap in it. That’s how I kill them.

    Kendal

    March 16, 2014 at 5:42 pm

  14. lol omg thy i have only tried a few, today i have been brave though i sprayed the crap out of them w vinegar and squash! 3.5 for me idk if 1 died hence.5 but there are still alot more i feel like my house is i spider home this year! i have certainly done the truce thing and named it cythica i fed it slugs and it left me alone of coarse it was a huge spider and lived in a big hole in my old house in the bathroom, then i got lucky one day on my bday and my friend came out of the bath room telling me im going to love her for killin the hugest spider which i actually was upset about n she found funny cus she knows my fear of spiders from being bitten diagnosed by drs not just waking up and saying i was bit and ive been recently been trying to get my lil bro to man up but thatll take some time. shaving cream works well its thick. but again today i became spidy killa but i honestly dont know how long i can go on w this brave act the other ppl here wont kill!

    cher

    May 28, 2014 at 12:55 am

  15. Found your blog as I was starting to panick – big black spider monster the size of my thumb on the curtain in my bedroom. Couldn’t go to sleep like that and boyfriend not here this week to save me.

    Didn’t go further than the vacuum cleaner trick – can’t believe I hadn’t throught of that! Great for spider on a curtain catch!! Word of caution: you need to direct the vacuum straight onto the spider, otherwise you risk catching the curtain and make the monster go away… My enemy moved and went into attack position, but stayed on the curtain. The second time I stroke I got her. Was so scared that she’d get out of the vacuum cleaner that I opened it and threw its contents in the neighbours’ garden. So long, and don’t come back!

    I then got back to reading the remaining 9 tricks – great blog! Funny, and instructive (again how did I not think of fire before? Although in this case it was so big I would have risked putting the curtain on fire :)

    So huge thanks, really!

    colombeverges

    May 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm


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